"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none."
Jay Leno
Yee haw! It will be vacation time at the Trapper Estate. We may go away but, then again, there's lots to do around the house, too. I figure there can be nothing more relaxing than sitting with a cup of coffee in the morning and reading a good book. I don't think I'll look at my email much nor update this blog either for a week or two unless something really important comes along or I see a "bust my gut from laughing so much" type of joke. TTFM
As a former colleague used to say "How 'bout them apples": I ordered pizza from Pizza Pizza, you know the 967-1111 people (at least in the GTA) last night. They gave me a 40 minutes or free guarantee. At 50 minutes I was getting hungry so I phoned and they transferred my call to Customer Service.Indeed they confirmed my pizzas (2 for 1 + $3 deal) were on their way and, yes, there would be no charge. All right!
For some reason that free pizza tasted better: Perhaps it was because I had almost finished my glass of Australian Shiraz before eating anything. Or it may have been the jalepeño-cheese dipping sauce.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone in the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove and table, often carrying just a single item. So I suggested, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
Another person asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready...and now I do it in about ten."
Source: Clean Laffs
My sister is always doing something interesting: this time she's buying a second storey for her modest East York bungalow. She loves the area, my two nephews and niece live close by a great school, and the house is located, more or less, conveniently for their jobs. The family will live in the basement while the roof is removed and the second storey is added. Then they move up to that brand-new second storey while the rest of the house is renovated. I'm looking forward to that house-warming party.
A few months ago I sent a colleague a note about the confluence.org web site where individuals send images and a story about their experiences in finding integer intersections of latitude and longitude. During travel from one location to another, Don and Peter realized that they might pass by a "confluence" on their way to the next site. As they explain they were lucky enough to find a logging road which intersected this confluence: no trek into the bug infested woods was necessary. Makes a mundane field trip all that more interesting.
London, Ontario's second homicide victim, Ryan Vlaad, is the son of my wife's cousin. You can possibly try and intellectualise a murder when it's not someone you know but it's hard to see God's divine purpose this time around. The article says Ryan recently moved to London from Espanola. I also found out that the Roxbury Pub and Grill is in, shall we say, a less desirable part of town. Was the victim unaware of this and happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or did this bar remind him of one from northern Ontario, where, sure, the patrons rough-housed a bit, but it was just a way of blowing off steam and no one meant any real harm. I guess we will never know.
I extend my deepest sympathy to the family and, especially, to my wife's Uncle Bill Vlaad, Ryan's grandfather — one of the kindliest men I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
I don't know if the "fish are jumpin'", though. My frequency of posting "real" stuff rather than jokes 'n' quotes has gone down because it's just too nice outside to sit at the screen and think.
There are 10 types of people in the world:
those that understand binary, and those that don't.
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one." Mark Twain |
For all of you who are feeling a little bit out of step and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have been re-released with new lyrics to be more in tune with their original audience. Coming soon from K-Tel!
Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
Procol Harum : "A Whiter Shade of Grey"
The Beatles: "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Steely Dan: "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
Source: Randy's Random
Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, Ogden Nash |
Today the BAS sang at Maki and Daniel's wedding. It was a truly Canadian (or at least downtown Toronto) type of affair. The bride is of Japanese descent, the groom is Chinese, the "wedding manager" was black and the choir was mostly of the invisible majority. The wedding took place in Rosedale amongst multi-million dollar homes while, as one choir member remarked, a short distance away on the other side of Bloor Street their were homeless and street people wandering about. However, this is a wedding, a bit of fairy-tale for an hour or so. If the warmth and depth of their smiles is any indication then this couple will have a very successful marriage. Though the bride assured us at the rehearsal that it would start on time, the choir ran through all of its on-hand prelude repertoire (> 15 min.) and so the pianist had to take over again and fill in the space. Lee and Imre offered to do Hungarian folk song duets but no-one seemed inclined to accept that offer.
Once the wedding started everything seemed to go as planned. We had sushi, cookies and soft drinks in the park opposite the church following the ceremony. The Bride requested a picture of her and her husband surrounded by the choir. I took that opportunity to congratulate the couple and kiss the bride. Then most of the choir left. Alas my date as far as the subway forsook me for another man who offered a ride to her home. Oh well, at least on the way home I picked up a case of Old Credit beer.
Julie had some more homework to do so I went for my usual 10 km weekend run. Boy it's dry out there. Most of the park fields have turned brown except for the odd weed. Fortunately, though it was hot, there isn't the usual humidity so that most of the sweat evaporates rather than trickling down my forehead to sting my eyes.
On our next stop we drove to my son's apartment in "downtown" Mississauga to feed their two cats and the budgie. The procedure is feed and water the cats, strain the clumps out of the litter box, play with the cats, carry one cat into the bedroom, call the other one, close the bedroom door, let the bird out of its cage, blow the hulls out of the birds seed dish (budgies don't dig into their seeds to find uneaten ones apparently), have the bird perch on something and bring it back to its cage, let the cats out of the bedroom. There seemed to be a lot of dirty dishes around so Julie washed them and I dried and put them away while we did the animal feeding routine. We found the laser pointer: great fun as the cats love to chase the spot. Then it was off to Swiss Chalet for the first real meal we have had together all week. My wife is at the midpoint of a "9 to 5" two week course with assigments every day and more on the weekend. Imagine a one night a week full-term university course compressed into just 2 weeks. It would be hard if she wasn't enjoying it so much.
The BAS had a practice last night for the wedding of a young choir member. I wonder is this a wedding or a concert? Here's just the wedding music:
The bride thought the last piece would be too long but our director explained that, from an artistic integrity point of view, you can't chop these types of compositions. And, I add parenthetically, it is isn't a pop song with a repetitive tune and chorus but complex counterpoint and harmony that winds through the two minute (that's right, it is only that long!) piece. After we sang it through the bride-to-be agreed.
I'll be singing second bass this time, though I usually sing baritone or first bass. There will only be four of us and the second bass needed more volume assistance than my fellow baritone did. I was glad someone else can do the baritone part of the trio in Biebl's Ave Maria. I did it several years ago but declined to try it after not having sung regularly for over a month. Better to go with second bass so if my voice tires at least I can still make some rumblings on the low notes.
Prior to the practice I had supper, a couple of beers and a too brief visit with my Mom who lives in the area. I had expected a longer visit and time to drink my tea after supper; however, an SUV rollover right at the eastbound fork of the Gardiner Expressway and the DVP delayed me for at least an hour. Only one lane of four could get through. Then the DVP was slow as well. I'm sure glad I don't have do that rush hour driving schtick every day.
I have been reading Mark Pilgrim's 30 days to a more accessible weblog. One article mentionned the much deprecated javascript: attribute. I discovered that I still had javascript: cruft in my index file used to open an "add comments" box. By changing to combinations of onclick() and href links my readers, who don't (or won't) have javascript, may still comment on the articles and humour published here.
Tom returns home after a teaching in New Aiyansh since last
September. His daughters are growing up and he is rediscovering family
social interaction once again. His experience reminds me of when I was away for 8 weeks at age 17 during the summer. I had changed and my family's view of me had changed, too. Life marches on even if we aren't there to see it.
My edits are in square [brackets].
Dear Friends: July 5
I am back in Victoria. This time last week I was driving south, approaching Quesnell, BC. At 10:30 PM it was not fully dark. I had already driven for over seven hours that day and I was thinking about pulling up for the night. I had a vague plan to stop at a provincial campground after gassing up in Quesnell. There had been light rain off and on ever since I passed Prince George and turned southward.
Then, at 10:40, a few kilometers short of Q, I noticed a campground sign. I followed the sign off to the right and groped through gloomy, narrow road-trails that led me past a fully booked camping area, past a day use area, and into a tenting site at the end of the road. I plunged the pick-up into the first site that was open.
Reclaiming all my inventiveness, I concocted a kind of tent/lean-to out of a good sized tarp. Then I piled all the bedding I could muster to cushion me from the gravel. In half an hour I had fashioned an abode that kept me dry through a half night of steady rain. And in the early morning I stuck camp to the cackling of loons on a lake that turned out to be only a stones throw away.
*
July 8
I had to stop the story about my trip home as I got caught up in the whirl of family activities. Our computer here sits in the vortex of family traffic. When, after she sought to solicit my opinion about the appearance of our new frig, I told [my wife] that I ought to have a sign on me saying "I'm not here", the said [my wife] stalked off and slammed a door in her departure. There was a comment about my rudeness in there too. This is not the sort of thing I had to concern myself with back in Aiyansh. There I sat alone in my silent classroom with not a soul around to expect a piece of my attention.
Not that I want to glorify that place. It was a lonely place. It was, however, a place where I could collect and marshal my thoughts and have the reasonable expectation of having uninterrupted time to put them into some kind of order on the page. Here I have [daughter #3] in the background. Lovely [daughter #3]. [daughter #3] who will not likely make her way into bed without a parent to actively encourage her to do so. And, since one of her parents has stalked off in a huff, it would seem that that parent must be me. And so, after this sentence I will pause and say, "[daughter #3], are you getting ready for bed?"
Turns out she was in bed. Talking away to herself. "I've been in bed for the last fifteen minutes." Okay, so that's taken care of.
You may be wondering, has Tom found a job yet? I was afraid you might ask that. No, although I am hot onto a couple of good prospects. I am happy that the stress inherent in a job search, and the inevitable financial meltdown that comes with unemployment, has not diminished my pleasure with being home. I love being with all my girls. I can't help looking at them and marveling at their beauty. [daughter #2], in particular, has transformed herself from the gangly awkward look she once had into being a sleek beauty. She is now almost exactly [my wife]'s height.
Another difference about being here is that here my mind is more divided. There are so many things to be on top of as a parent. In Aiyansh I was only nominally a parent. In reality, [my wife] had to carry the whole responsibility for seeing that the family machine kept moving forward. I see it as important that I take a stand with myself about sitting down and making it known, particularly to myself, that "I am writing right now and I am not thinking about anything else." A mind divided cannot be the mind of a writer. Discipline is the word.
This may of minimal interest to you, but is vital to me. So, indulge me while I develop this idea. It has been my weakness in my life to date to allow my mind to be divided. Like the man in the fable who tries to please everyone, the man who allows his mind to be swept away in a flurry of immediate responsibilities is not going to get anywhere or accomplish anything. Sure, I am overstating the case if I say that this story is my story. I have accomplished many things. But I have not taken my writing as far as I might have. I am hanging on to it be a thin thread though. For now these letters are the strongest strand in that thread.
These letters I write are like Tinkerbell. She may die unless enough of you applaud. I need to hear you! Tell me that what you gain from reading my writing merits my effort to keep it alive, even here in the hub of family life in the kitchen of [my house]. I appreciate your encouragement of the past. Keep it coming! Tinkerbell is struggling for air now that Tom is living back in the vortex of family life. Tom needs to know that his writing can survive and, with continuing life support, may one day stand firmly on its feet and, just maybe, lead Tom on to greater fortune.
Now I have to figure out how to reopen my e-mail account here so I can send this.
Love, Tom.
All of his feathers are combed to one side.
"Trying is the first step towards failure." |
Homer Simpson |
This isn't my personal philosophy mind you. Nevertheless, I present another quote along the same lines: "If at first you don't succeed, don't try sky-diving.
Julie managed to convince her parents to take the drive across the city to have supper with us last night. My father-in-law is becoming less inclined to battle city traffic as he gets older — and I don't blame him. Doreen asked us not to go to any trouble so we just had burgers on the BBQ and a ceasar salad with farm-fresh strawberries for dessert. My younger son prefers chicken burgers and, as my in-laws had never had these, they wanted to try them too. I have a feeling my father-in-law will probably go out and buy some now. As regular readers will know I helped my in-laws move out of their vacation home last week. John told us about problems getting his money at the closing.
At the end of June, John and Doreen visisted the paralegal in Bobcaygeon handling the sale of their vacation home. He provided his bank account information so that she, the paralegal, could transfer the funds on closing. There is no Bank of Nova Scotia in Bobcaygeon but the paralegal said she goes to Lindsay and Peterborough "all the time" so it would be no problem to transfer the funds on closing day. Well, you can imagine what happened. John knows enough about the Internet to access his account and found no big sum of money in his account after the closing took place around noon. He phoned the paralegal and she said she was "too busy" or some other lame excuse. John didn't sleep well that Canada Day long weekend. On the first business day, July 2, John and Doreen drove up early in morning and parked at the paralegal's house. "A real dump" was the description of her house. She was still in the shower apparently when she was supposed to be open for business. Anyway my in-laws finally got a certified cheque after their weekend of aggravation. Life in a small town proceeds at a very relaxed pace, which is fine, except when you have large sum of money in limbo.
Julie gave her dad a gift on the ocassion of his 79
I saw this first in rec.humor.funny; however, Google shows lots of sites have it; so I selected a few of my favourites.
Oops, my late (at least for me!) night posting was mis-classified. Sorry about that.
Back in December when it's dark by 4:30p.m. hereabouts I almost ran into a fence put up by a construction company around St. Mark School and part of the park. They removed a "temporary" structure and have been putting in an addition to the school. About a month ago they dug through the park including a soccer field and a baseball diamond to put in a sewer line connection. So, for the past month, this "scar" has been there — and I walk through this park on my way to the GO station each morning. Well today I phoned Newgen Construction from work and asked for the project manager. Rick was called and explained that a landscape contractor would be re-sodding the entire soccer field and repairing the damage in "a couple of weeks". We'll see. Otherwise I will have to use the power of email and contact the city, the mayor, the councillor, the separate school board trustee, and so on. But I will give the company the benefit of the doubt and call them again in a couple of weeks. I almost feel like an activist, sort of.
It's another 3H day in the GTA. At least in Mississauga our garbage is being collected unlike Toronto's. I wonder if the Mississauga garbage collectors have noticed an increase. I had a bag from my sister-in-law and my neighbour had bags from her in-laws — two gentle old folk who shouldn't have to wait in this heat while trying to cross the picket line at the so-called transfer stations.
My brother and sister-in-law and my young toddler nephew probably find this weather quite comfortable as they are here on a month's leave from Thailand. My Yahoo! Weather icon for Chiang Mai, Thailand showed greater than 30 °C high temperatures for most of the year. Several years ago he taught in Hanoi, Vietnam and then found Toronto rather quiet. This time his school is in a pleasant (though hot) rural setting and now Toronto is noisy and dirty by comparison. Not to mention the garbage, of course. Anyway, they will be over to the Trapper Estate for supper tonight and looking forward to seeing them after a year's absence. Apparently my young nephew is now talking, though the pidgeon Thai and English combination will probably be unintelligble to us.
Today's new tag is acronym. If you put a title= attribute in it then the newer broswers show a pop up tooltip.
"Every year there are more product-liability awards, and every year manufacturers have to put more warnings in the owners' manuals, and every year the radish-brains come up with newer, more innovative ways to injure themselves. There will come a day when every product you buy will come with an actual living lawyer inside the box, sealed in plastic; as soon as you break the seal, the lawyer will emerge and start preparing your product-liability lawsuit. (This system is feasible because product-liability lawyers are spore-based organisms who can survive for years without air.)
Dave Barry
Copyright © 2002-2006 James (Jim) R. R. Service (@gmail.com - jservice)
Randy Cassingham, author of This is True, writes: