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“Discontinue use of towelettes on personal safety equipment if rash or skin irritation develops.”

Personal safety equipment has skin? This skin can be sensitive?

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Apparently the Caps Lock key is stuck. Why would a “senior staff” not proofread his message and use better grammar?

GOOD MORNING.

DONT BE OFFENDED IF I MAY HAVE DISTURBED YOUR DAILY ACTIVITIES.

MY NAME IS MR NOEL PANGA, I AM A BANKER, AND I WORK WITH THE AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK AS A SENIOR STAFF. I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU ON A BUSINESS TRANSACTION THAT WILL BE VERY BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US AT THE END OF THE TRANSACTION .

DURING OUR INVESTIGATION AND AUDITING IN THIS BANK, MY DEPARTMENT CAME ACROSS A VERY HUGE SUM OF MONEY BELONGING TO A DECEASED PERSON WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH AND THE FUND HAS BEEN DORMANT IN HIS ACCOUNT WITH THIS BANK WITHOUT ANY CLAIM OF THE FUND IN OUR CUSTODY EITHER FROM HIS FAMILY OR RELATION BEFORE OUR DISCOVERY TO THIS DEVELOPMENT.

THE SAID AMOUNT WAS U.S 18.4M (EIGHTEEN MILLION,FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS). AS IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW, I GOT YOUR IMPRESSIVE CONTACTS THROUGH INTERNET. MEANWHILE ALL THE WHOLE ARRANGEMENT TO PUT CLAIM OVER THIS FUND AS THE BONAFIDE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED, AND TRANSFER THIS MONEY TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT HAS BEEN PUT IN PLACE. THE DIRECTIVES AND NEEDED INFORMATION WILL BE RELAYED TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU INDICATE YOUR INTEREST AND WILLINGNESS TO ASSIST ME, AND ALSO BENEFIT YOUR SELF TO THIS GREAT BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY.

IN FACT I COULD HAVE DONE THIS DEAL ALONE BUT BECAUSE OF MY POSITION IN THIS COUNTRY AS A CIVIL SERVANT(A BANKER),WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO OPERATE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT AND WOULD EVENTUALLY RAISE AN EYE BROW ON MY SIDE DURING THE TIME OF TRANSFER BECAUSE I WORK IN THIS BANK. THIS IS THE ACTUAL REASON WHY IT WILL REQUIRE A SECOND PARTY OR FELLOW WHO WILL FORWARD CLAIMS AS THE NEXT OF KIN WITH AFFIDAVIT OF TRUST OF OATH TO THE BANK AND ALSO PRESENT A FOREIGN ACCOUNT WHERE HE WILL NEED THE MONEY TO BE RE-TRANSFERRED INTO ON HIS REQUEST AS IT MAY BE AFTER DUE VERIFICATION AND CLARIFICATION BY THE CORRESPONDENT BRANCH OF THE BANK WHERE THE WHOLE MONEY WILL BE REMITTED FROM TO YOUR OWN DESIGNATION BANK ACCOUNT.

I WILL NOT FAIL TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% RISK FREE.ON SMOOTH CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, YOU WILL BE ENTITLED TO 40% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS GRATIFICATION, WHILE 10% WILL BE SET ASIDE TO TAKE CARE OF EXPENSES THAT MAY ARISE DURING THE TIME OF TRANSFER AND ALSO TELEPHONE AND INTERNET BILLS, WHILE 50% WILL BE FOR ME. PLEASE, YOU HAVE BEEN ADVICED TO KEEP “TOP SECRET” AS I AM STILL IN SERVICE AND INTEND TO RETIRE FROM SERVICE AFTER WE CONCLUDE THIS DEAL WITH YOU.

I WILL BE MONITORING THE WHOLE SITUATION HERE IN THIS BANK UNTIL YOU CONFIRM THE MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT AND ASK ME TO COME DOWN TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR SUBSEQUENT SHARING OF THE FUND ACCORDING TO PERCENTAGES PREVIOUSLY INDICATED AND FURTHER INVESTMENT, EITHER IN YOUR COUNTRY OR ANY COUNTRY YOU ADVICE US TO INVEST IN. ALL OTHER NECESSARY VITAL NFORMATION WILL BE SENT TO YOU WHEN I HEAR FROM YOU.

IF THE TRANSACTION INTEREST YOU, GET BACK TO ME WITH YOUR PHONE NUMBER TO CALL YOU SO WE COULD PROCEED.

THANKS.

MR NOEL PANGA.

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In a spreadsheet the company is sending out with a proposal is a list of our names and categories. It seems that I have “Considerable Expertise” in the “General” category. I think I’ll use this for my post-retirement business card:

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Daylight Saving Time adjustment falls (or springs forward) on April 1st this year. Co-incidence?!?!

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Spammers please note, this is not a good subject line: Please read.

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After reading about this word I found I could use my two hands, my finger and thumb joints and tips and count up to 40!

nychthemeron (nik-THEM-er-on) noun

  A full period of a day and night: 24 hours.

[From Greek, a combination of nykt- (night) and hemera (day).]

  Ever wondered why day and night were divided into 12 hours? The number
  12 is not as random as it sounds. There are 12 moons in a year. The
  number 12 is easy to divide into halves, thirds, and quarters. Also,
  some cultures counted in base 12: three joints on each finger (thumb
  as the counter).

  Aren't we glad a nychthemeron isn't divided in metric? Who wants to
  sleep 30 hours every night?

-Anu Garg (gargATwordsmith.org)

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Questions:

1. What is a computer sock?
2. Do ladies want to be sliminized?
3. If I already have an embolism would I be interested in socks?

Dear Sir/Madam,

FIRST OF ALL,PLEASE KINDLY NOTE THIS E-MAIL IS SENT BY
OUR "ADVERTISING COMPANY" AND THE E-MAIL ADDRESS 
THEY USE IS NOT "REAL" ,THEREFORE,PLEASE CONTACT US
VIA "FAX"  OR "POST".DON'T DIRECTLY RESPONSE VIA " E-MAIL"
BECAUSE WE CAN'T RECEIVE YOUR E-MAIL.
IF YOU WANT TO BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST,PLEASE ADVISE
YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS & THIS E-MAIL CONTENT OR SUBJECT VIA "FAX" OR "POST".

We are the professional manufacturer in Taiwan & China of 

* Socks(especially computer socks)
* Stockings
* Fishnet & Fencenet stockings & pantyhoses(tights)
* Compression hosiery(medical grade for varicose vein & embolism) 
* Flight socks(wearing for long-distance travel on the airplane to avoid 
embolism &
  decrease fatigue)
* FIR(Far Infrared Ray)products such as
   ankle/knee/wrist/elbow supports to prevent from injury and
   decrease pain and
   ladies' shaping girdle to sliminize the belly to obtain a beatiful
   style.
* Custom(Tailor)-Made(make according to your design/sample)
   ladies' lingerie/underwear.
   Men's & children underwear are also available for custom-made.
* Cutom(Tailor)-Made apparel/garment
* Cutsom(Tailor)-Made ANY textile product.

YOUR LABEL/BRAND IS WELCOME AND 
SMALL ORDER IS OK,PLEASE CONTACT US TO SAVE YOUR COST!

Thank you

Best Regards
Cherng
No.418,Ming-Sern Rd.,Sher-Tou(511),Changhwa Hsien,Taiwan.
Fax: 886-4-8875866 (886 is the country code)


Fax:886-4-8876126 (886 is the country code)

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The World’s Shortest Fairy Tale
sscherme(at)adelphia.net (Skid/Jos)
W1TTY/W1UVN
(chuckle, sexual stereotypes, forwarded, heard it)

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “NO!”

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

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• A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• A free agent is anything but.
• As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
• Exceptions always outnumber rules.
• Exceptions prove the rule and wreck the budget.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
• If it says “one size fits all,” it doesn’t fit anyone.
• If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
• If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
• Interchangeable parts won’t.
• Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
• Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
• Never ask the barber if you need a haircut, or a salesman if his is a good price.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
• No matter which way you go, it’s uphill and against the wind.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
• People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
• Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
• Quality assurance doesn’t.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
• The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
• The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
• The ideal resumé will turn up one day after the position is filled.
• The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
• The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
• The one item you want is never the one on sale.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
• The tough part of a [IT] Manager’s job is that users don’t really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don’t want.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Trust everybody…then cut the cards.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• When reviewing your notes for a test [report], the most important ones will be illegible.
• When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
• When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all the other coins will roll out of sight.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• You never want the one you can afford.

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I saw this at the bottom of an email today: If you cannot see this email click here.

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In a recent flyer of a company know for schlocky electronic gadgets is advertised a 3.6“ portable DVD player. The funny part is the 32 key remote. I don’t think my eyes would adequate to get far enough away from it to use that remote! This feature is right up there with the eject button on the remote for the CD player on my ”shelf system.“

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Dave Coverly captures the humour in some “what if” scenarios:

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A moldy, oldy that re-surfaced in an email list recently.

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

“I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara,” exclaimed the Muslim. “Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory.”

“One day while fishing,” started the Christian, “I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him.”

“One day I was walking down the road,” explained the Jew. “I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 feet all around me, it was Tuesday!”

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One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, “I have a question.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Mom, when you’re driving,” she asked, “are you ever the idiot?”

Borrowed from Clean Laffs.

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When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

Make him bark!

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“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the ‘Net and he won’t bother you for weeks. ”

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Inscribed on a bottle of shampoo in my bathroom: “MADE IN USA OF MAINLY US INGREDIENTS.”

Which ones? I don’t know because the “ingredients” aren’t listed.

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Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily Pinot Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new hybrid grape, which acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.

From Clean Laffs email

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A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

Borrowed from Clean Laffs email.

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“That would be allegro with an Italian soft drink” — comment from our music director this morning.

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My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having a old-fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”

The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”

Found in Clean Laffs email.

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Amnesia?

What did you just ask me?

Apathy?

I don’t care.

Bigotry?

I’m not going to tell someone like you.

Egotistical?

I’m the best person to answer that question.

Evasive?

Go do your homework.

Flatulent?

That question really stinks!

Ignorance?

I don’t know.

Indifference?

It doesn’t matter.

Influenza?

You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insomnia?

I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Irreverent?

I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Narcissism?

Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great?

Over-Protective?

I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer.

Paranoid?

You probably think I don’t know the answer, do you?

Procrastination?

I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive?

I already told you the answer once before.

Self-Centered?

Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters.

Suspicious?

Why are you asking me all these questions?

From T H E . M O U T H P I E C E Wednesday, August 11, 2004

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From the ahhh-ain’t-that-cute department.

• How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child and all of the above simultaneously.
• Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
• How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
• Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.
• That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.
• That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
• How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
• Almost every Raffi/Sharon, Lois and Bram/… lyric ever penned.
• That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.
• That reverse psychology really works.
• The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.
• Why they call them Happy meals.
• How far you can dilute juice and still retain it’s taste.
• The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines.
• How much you could love one human being!

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I selected these reasons from the August 26, 2004 email of T H E . M O U T H P I E C E which, in turn, had excerpted them from the Washington Post. I’ve taken the liberty of “Canadianizing” some of the references.

• My stigmata’s acting up.
• When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
• I’m feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You sure I should come in?
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Blue Jays, eh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Bell, but thank you for calling.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come in to work knowing that my employee records may now contain false information.

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“Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you’re at a big, high-class casino.

“At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.”

Source: Clean Laffs

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What if the Hokey Pokey is what it’s all about?

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The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

1. What are you thinking about?

   The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

   This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

   1. Baseball.
   2. Football.
   3. How fat you are.
   4. How much prettier she is than you.
   5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

   (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

2. Do you love me?

   The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

   Inappropriate responses include:

   1. Oh Yeah, loads.
   2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
   3. That depends on what you mean by love.
   4. Does it matter?
   5. Who, me?

3. Do I look fat?

   The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

   Among the incorrect answers are:

   1. Compared to what?
   2. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
   3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
   4. I’ve seen fatter.
   5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

4. Do you think she’s prettier than me?

   Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”

   Incorrect responses include:

   1. Yes, but you have a better personality.
   2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
   3. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
   4. Define pretty..
   5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

5. What would you do if I died?

   A definite no-win question.

   (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a …!”)

“Borrowed” from CLEAN LAFFS - Friday, June 11, 2004 email.

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The teacher gave her sixth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg -laying hens. Once we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying, broke and made a mess.”

“What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Krystal raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got 10 live chicks. So the moral to this story is, ‘don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.’”

Then Justin had a story to share. “My dad told me about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Iraq War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

“She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of 'em with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.”

“My God,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your father give you from that horrible story?”

Said Justin, “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

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I couldn’t help noticing that the teller, sorry — member services officer, at the local credit union branch had a paper clip fastening her collar together. Usually this attactive young women wears tops which show (off?) some cleavage. I guess today her boss figured too much of her lungs were showing. I really wanted to comment, “nice paperclip” but I resisted. I’ll have to talk to her boss and ask him/her to give me a call so I can come down and give my considered judgement about excessive cleavage being shown.

Now you know why I rarely use the ATM.

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Borrowed from rec.humor.funny…

‘I’ve started reading a popular book on punctuation and the abysmal state of its use, given to me by a friend of mine, “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” by Lynne Truss. Encouraged by her book, people sent her examples of idiotic punctuation. One–sent in by a Shakespearian actor–was a sign that said, “Children Drive Slowly.” The resulting brouhaha prompted the town to revise the sign.

‘It now reads, “Children, Drive Slowly.”’

If you don’t know what’s so funny here then I suggest you get someone to edit and proof-read your writing. )

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Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

“I’m just an ordinary man,” he said, walking up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic, atheist insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

Seen in Clean Laffs email.

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A pompous preacher was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to Toronto. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I didn’t know we had a choice.”

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Buddy sent me Mapquest directions from Barnesville, OH to Home, PA. Some questions:

1. Who is Buddy?
2. If he lives in Home, PA, where is that?
3. If I know him, where are the directions from Mississauga, ON, CA?
4. Does Buddy know how to copy 'n' paste an email address?

If you know Buddy’s friend (customer, client?) in Barnesville, OH send him these directions.

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“The 99 Cent stores were running an ad for a box of condoms for 99 cents. Do you know what you call men who buy condoms for 99 cents? … Daddy.”

Jay Leno

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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.

“Well,” she says, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, “Was that one word or two?”

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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”

I said, “You’ll be sorry.”

He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”

I said, “Well, It’s not very absorbant and you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

From CLEAN LAFFS - Thursday, February 12, 2004

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This came in my inbox the other day. I think it went through a garble or Gollum filter before it was emailed. Perhaps including this person’s address in this posting will allow me to return the favour.

From: Online-Citibank <pvangool@elturista.com>
X-Mailer: The Bat! (v2.00.6) Personal
To: me
Subject: Citionline _E-MAIL_ Veerification

Dear_ CITI_bank Mebmers,

Thiss email_ was _sent_ by_the_ Citibank_ serevr to
veerify your_ EMAIL adress.
You must coltpmee this pceross by clicking on_the link
below and enteering in the litle _window your Citi_Bank
_Debit card nummber and CARD PIN that _you use in local ATM Machine.
This is done for Your pcrtoetion -F- because some of_our
memmbers no legonr have acescs to their email adsrdsees
and we must verify it.

http://citi.net:%68%46%47%54%41%52%59%41%74%4d8@%67%66%62458%66%77%64%2e%44%41%
2e%52%75/%3f%50%6f%54%6e6%70

To veerify your_ email adress and _access_ _your_ Citi-bank
account, klick on the_ link _bellow_.

ckYvAt

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How do you decide whom to marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8

What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
Both don’t want any more kids. — Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8

When is it okay to kiss someone?
When they’re rich. — Pam, age 7

Is it better to be single or married?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. — Anita, age 9

How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? — Kelvin, age 8

How would you make a marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. — Ricky, age 10

From t h e . m o u t h p i e c e Monday, January 26, 2004

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Forget the Drugs & Pills… Losing Weight Has Never Been
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These paragraphs made me laugh. Source: 2003: A Dave odyssey

Can young people wear their pants any lower? Their waistbands are now at approximately knee level. Where will this trend end? The shins? The feet? Will young people eventually detach themselves from their pants altogether and just drag them along behind, connected to their ankles by a belt?

Late in the month, a massive “Storm of the Century” blizzard batters the Northeast with icy blasts and holds the region in its wintry grip, blanketing New England with white stuff as emergency crews struggle to keep the news media supplied with weather clichés.

In an inspiring story of courage, hiker Aron Ralston, trapped in a remote Utah canyon, frees himself by amputating his own right arm. Somehow he manages to fashion a tourniquet and hike back to civilization, where he is slapped with a $17 million negligence lawsuit by lawyers representing the arm.

In yet another sign of declining national educational standards, a 12-year-old Vermont girl wins the National Spelling Bee in Washington by spelling “horse.” She actually spells it “h-o-r-s,” but the judges rule that this is “close enough.”

On the literary front, the blockbuster bestseller of the year is the long-awaited fifth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter Reaches Puberty and Starts Taking Really Long Showers.

In a medical breakthrough, a Houston-based team of surgeons, working for 17 hours in a risky, first-of-its-kind operation, are able to separate a 21-year-old woman from her cellular telephone. She expires within hours, but doctors report that the phone is stable, and they expect its condition to improve dramatically “once it finds a new host.”

In immigration news, federal agents in 21 states descend on Wal-Mart stores that are allegedly employing illegal immigrants. The agents emerge hours later, glassy-eyed, holding bags filled with hundreds of dollars worth of bargains but unable to remember what they went in there for in the first place.

Ever notice how Dave Barry resembles Mike Myers?

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From The FunnyMailer.

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To the tune of Winter Wonderland…

All my movements have cancelled,
Sum of forces is equal,
I’m fully inert, and doing no work,
Here in static equilibrium.

Every push meets another,
Every pull has a counter.
The state I allude is true lassitude,
Here in static equilibrium.

All my forces balance out exactly,
You can even put me to the test.
Push me out in any old direction,
And you’ll find I’ll no longer be at rest.

Can’t you see that I’m happy?
Sitting here, calm and mellow.
Don’t want to go home, so leave me alone.
Here in static equilibrium.

From Clean Laffs email.

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From T H E . M O U T H P I E C E Tuesday, December 9, 2003. Hmmm, it looks like I’m older than dirt.

Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told about!

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party Telepnone Lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 4 - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps [I remember Loblaws in Canada had these.]
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards and Hudsons
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

And you are…

• 0-5 = young
• 6-10 = getting older
• 11-15 = Don’t tell your age, Darling…
• 16-25 = older than dirt!

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A Scotsman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

And, as they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Scotsman.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Scotsman took his arm from around the sheep. They continued to enjoy the sunset together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Scotsman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Scotsman started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…

“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while hey had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account in her name.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked all last week with a crew building a house.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that’s worth shit.”

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Sometimes spam is just too funny. BTW, this is cow colostrum they’re talking about. I just had to [comment].

Dear Friend,

Do you suffer from ANY of these signs of Aging?

- Wrinkles, Fine Lines
- Poor Memory
- Lack of Enthusiasm [spam does that to you…]
- Sagging Skin
- Diminished Eyesight
- Failing Sexual Performance [not that I can tell]
- Joint Problems
- Frequent colds and minor infections
- Low Energy
- Skin Problems
- Weight Problems
- Sleep Difficulties
- High or Low Blood Pressure
- Lack of Muscle Tone
- Hormone Imbalances

Then it’s time to take a look at COLOSTRUM

You know you’re on to something good when even the normally cautious scientists and doctors start getting excited about their research.

That’s just what is happening now.

All over the world the medical and scientific communities are buzzing with the news that nature’s first and most natural food, Colostrum, is teeming with nutritious substances and compounds that are critical allies in our fight against the myriad of health factors that cause our bodies to age.

The interesting thing is, the benefits of Colostrum have been known for almost as long as it’s been around. Its' incredible health benefits were first described by Ayurvedic [?] doctors and spiritual leaders in India many thousands of years ago. It’s long been known in other parts of the world too, where it’s been used for centuries for everything from immune deficiency and age-related symptoms to treatment of the common cold.

Now, with several volumes [!] of medical research to back up its many health claims, Mother Nature’s first and most important immunity food is universally being hailed as a near-miraculous natural aid to warding off ill health and old age.

And there’s still more…[Do tell!]

Here’s where the Colostrum story starts to get really interesting…

Up until recently, the benefits of Colostrum were only available to those who could afford the expensive synthesized Growth Factors that certain pharmaceutical companies were manufacturing and selling in limited supplies for between $500 and $1,500 per month!

But as of today, you no longer have to pay the earth shattering prices for only half the benefits of Colostrum. After years of development, the scientific team working for Crown Vitamin Company has created CVC Immune System Booster. Unlike all other brands of colostrums currently on the market, this unique formulation combines the very purest Bovine [moo!] Colostrum with Vitamin C for added strength and antioxidant capacity in patented quick melt `lozenge' style tablets for faster absorption into your bloodstream [Do you paste them to your forehead? Slit your wrists?] without any loss of potency, and with more immediate benefits.

Better yet, since your body can handle any amount of Colostrum safely, there’s no risk of overdosing. Which is just as well, since CVC Immune System Booster tastes so good, everybody in the family — even the kids [and new born babies!] — will love it!

Best of all, there are absolutely no side-effects [No effects at all really except for a declining bank balance.] apart, that is, from an increasingly joyous, progressive feeling of better health, enhanced energy, greater strength, improved skin and muscle tone, and a growing j’oie de vivre that will remind you that, finally, the joys of youth are no longer the exclusive preserve of the young!

And since there’s nothing so convincing as personal experience, to celebrate the launch of new CVC Immune System Booster, we’re offering you a one month supply (worth $29.95). All you need to pay is $9.95 to cover postage and handling…

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A mother was showing her boy how to zip up his coat. “The secret,” she said, “is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”

The boy looked at her quizzically… “Why does it have to be a secret?”

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This is so bad pun-wise I just have to post it. I saw it in a recent Clean Laffs email.

All but two of the ballerinas were in costume early for the matinee performance. At 1:55 the distressed director asked this pair of women why they were not yet in costume. The first one said, “it may seem like a silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58.”

“What about you, the same thing?” he asked the other dancer.

She replied, “Oh yes, I have a two to two tutu, too!”

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Sure it’s a dumb joke, but, it made me chuckle. It came from the Clean Laffs email.

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like two pounds of Polish sausage, please.”

The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”

The clerk says sheepishly, “Well, no.”

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, all right then! Why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replies, “Because this is a dry cleaners.”

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A man walks into a dentist’s office and says, “Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist says, “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.”

The man replies, “Yes, I know.” The dentist snaps back, “So why did you come in here?”

The man responds, “The light was on.”

Seen in the Dribbleglass email letter.

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1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
2. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
3. For ski boots simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your street shoes and tighten C-clamps around your toes.
4. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
5. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
7. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.
8. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You’d almost believe you’re skiing in front of a snowmaker!
9. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
10. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

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A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah…..”said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.''

“That’s what you think'', the man laughed. I’m the father of three children.''

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what you think!''

Seen in Clean Laffs email.

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“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,” said the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.''

“Great! What are we having for breakfast?”said the husband.

“Toast and juice.''

From CLEAN LAFFS email letter.

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The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given to 16-year-old students! Don’t laugh too hard - one of them could be (is?) president someday.

Name the four seasons.

Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

How is dew formed?

The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

What is a planet?

A body of earth surrounded by sky.

What causes the tides in the oceans?

The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

In a democratic society, how important are elections?

Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

What are steroids?

Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

What happens to your body as you age?

When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

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“Everything is going up. The price of food, clothing, everything, I wish something would go down.''
“Take a look at my report card.''

“How far are you from the correct answer?''
“Two seats''

“Your essay, 'My Dog,' is the same, word for word, as your brother’s''
“I know. It’s the same dog.''

“Why are you late this morning?''
“Because of the alarm clock. Everyone got up except me.''
“How was that?''
“There are eight of us and the alarm was set for seven.''

“Can people predict the future with cards?''
“My mother can.''
“Really?''
“Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.''

“In what battle did General Wolfe cry, 'I die happy'''
“His last?''

“What marks did you get in P.E. last year?''
“I didn’t get marks. I only got bruises.''

“If I cut a steak into two parts, what would I have?”“Halves.''
“Right. And then cut them in half again?''
Quarters..''
“And again?''
“Eighths.''
“Again?''
“Sixteenths.''
“And again?''
“Hamburger.”

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• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• If at first you don’t succeed—try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• Pride, commitment, teamwork—words we use to get you to work for free.
• There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.
• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

Seen on funny mail list.

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How apropos. The woman at the wine store where I bottled my batch last night said some customers put their wine in half size (375 ml?) bottles just so they can bring one to go with their lunch. I wonder, would it make me more productive in the afternoon or would I be caught napping?

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

From T H E . M O U T H P I E C E Friday, June 13, 2003 email.

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On their 30th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no “I”in ‘marriage.’”

The wife said, “And for my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.''

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“Borrowed”from rec.humor.funny.

This is a real LETTER TO THE EDITOR from a recent issue of the NEW SCIENTIST magazine:

``NEW SCIENTIST readers are concerned about their e-mail boxes being bombarded with spam, and the need for more and better filters. However, they seem to have overlooked the benefits to be gained from all these spam messages. For instance, I have been accepting all offers made to me by e-mail since the beginning of this year, and my penis is now 43 meters long.''

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1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder now days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
5. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
6. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
7. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? [How true.]
8. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
9. In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Seen on Completely Free Software email.

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Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result — all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

From Clean Laffs (and lots of other places).

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I listened to CBC Radio One while driving to the library this evening. They had a couple of points of view of people who, when they are house guests, snoop in their hosts' medicine cabinets. Weird eh? Anyway one woman told about a friend who did this at parties and then make comments. Such as does someone in your house have allergies because I found antihistamines in you bathroom cupboard or did you know your aspirins are stale-dated? She had enough of her friend’s snooping so she and her husband borrowed their kid’s marbles and carefully put them on the medicine cabinet shelves. Then they had a party with the snoop and some of their other friends who weren’t too keen on her habits either. They put a sign on the main floor powder room that it was out of order. Part way into the evening the woman got up and went upstairs: the hosts and guests became quiet. After about five minutes, there was a huge racket of marbles falling on the vanity counter top, the toilet, everywhere. The snoop exited the party as quickly as she could amongst the laughter of the other guests.

The Saturday Star had an unusual consumer complaint: A couple ordered a stove from the store and a week later a fridge was delivered. The order was “computer friendly”— just a bunch of letters and digits. The sales person obviously had punched in the wrong code but it was going to be “difficult”to resolve as there was no “people friendly”description of what had been ordered.

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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the “f” word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

An oldie I saw in the Dribbleglass e-newsletter. My wife’s mother turned 80 last year and though, I don’t think she’d say the “f”word, I have heard her utter the odd cuss word now and then.

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From the cartoon Frazz

Portly Principal: Can you recommend an exercise for people who don’t have time to exercise?

Frazz: Sure:

1. Lift up your TV set.
2. Carry it to the curb.
3. Set it down.

Principal: … Which TV?

Frazz: Okay some people might need to do multiple reps.

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Here’s one from netfunny.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,“ she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.''

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Recently I overheard two co-workers, the first of which was training the other one.

• Co-Worker #1: “A boolean variable has two possible values: true or false.''
• Co-Worker #2: “Umm…true?''

From Computer Stupidities

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1. If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the “on” switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes does help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

T H E . M O U T H P I E C E Friday, April 4, 2003

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My brother seems to have more time on his hands than I do. But his joke within a joke for this April Fool’s Day, 2003 is kind of cute. I changed the names just because.

Dear Friends and Family: April 2nd, 2003

In the way of wishing you all well, and giving you a smile to boot, let me tell you about the fun we had yesterday, April Fools Day 2003.

I did my usual, expected, and much appreciated, morning rigging of the house for the girls. Things falling out of cupboards, toilet paper strung over the living room, things out of place, and so on. But the best joke of the day had innocuous beginnings a couple of days earlier. On our happenings of the month calendar, posted on a kitchen cupboard, I noted that Aunt Barb (Olivia’s sister and a much loved guest) was due to arrive for a visit from Toronto on April 1st.

My girls were not about to believe that. But Nadine took up the challenge and suggested to Olivia that she call Barb and have Barb call me to confirm her arrival. So, when I got home from work on Tuesday, April 1st, there was a message from Barb on the answering machine saying she was arriving and could she be picked up at the airport that evening.

Only for the briefest moment did I have a wisp of doubt about the bogus nature of this message. After all, it was I who had started the joke. Still, Rebecca was privy to this development and I decided, in consultation with Olivia, to play along. In Rebecca’s presence I told Olivia about my plan to head out to the airport that evening at 8:20 to pick up Barb. Rebecca was, just barely, biting. She looked incredulous. Is Dad really falling for this?

Nadine was still at work at the BC legislature (as a page) and was going on to her friend Ally’s place from there. I had earlier in the day told Nadine that I would pick her up at 8:30. Leaving at 8:20 was perfect for picking up Nadine, and off I went at that appointed time, supposedly for the airport.

Olivia reports that my absence was a highly charged time, especially for Alexandra. She felt terribly guilty about my having to drive all the way out to the airport for nothing. Maybe they had gone too far with this gag. Olivia reminded Alexandra about pranks I had pulled on them in the past, and ‘doesn’t he deserve some revenge?’

When I arrived at Ally’s place, and after waiting a suitable amount of time for my pretended trip to the airport, I phoned home to complain to Olivia that there was no sign of Barb anywhere at the airport. Olivia put a delighted Rebecca on the phone and she whooped “April Fools!”at me over the phone. By this time Alexandra, drawn into the gag but never having fully believed any of it, was on the other phone. To both Rebecca and Alexandra I complained bitterly about having driven all the way to the airport for nothing and, ‘boy, you really got me this time.’

Olivia, witnessing from the home end, said this was a priceless moment. Simultaneously Rebecca and Alexandra’s jaws dropped. They had actually pulled off a major joke on their wily Dad!

Clearly, Nadine, whose friend’s house I was at for the airport call, was on my side of the joke now. As we drove home Nadine suggested I drop her near the house but not where the car would be seen. She would explain that she had got tired of waiting for me to pick her up and that her friend’s Mom had dropped her off. This would corroborate that I had indeed gone to the airport.

After a short delay to allow for Nadine’s entrance, I pulled in in the car. I walked into the kitchen where the family was assembled, anticipating the final revealing of just who had fooled who. Rebecca said something about my airport trip and how they had really fooled me. I said that it remained to be seen who the real fool was.

Then the final twist came out. You see, I am not too familiar with cell phones. After I had truly hooked Rebecca and Alexandra into believing that I had gone to the airport (Alexandra had said, in amazement, “Are you really at the airport'') I disconnected the phone. But I pushed the wrong button. While R and A were standing with dropped jaws, and after I thought I had hung up the phone, Nadine’s friend Ally yelped in the background about how convincing I had been and “you sure fooled them.” Alexandra described how they had heard Ally’s yelp and had had their own chortle at me after the phone was finally hung up. Alas, the last laugh was on me.

Love, Todd, Olivia, Alexandra, Nadine, and Rebecca.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a “silent”debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay. Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.”

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “What happened?”they asked.

“Well,”said Moishe, “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, Mr Pope, we’re staying right here.”

“And then what,”asked a woman.

“Who knows?”said Moishe, “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.''

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When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection.

First, the word “Wine”must appear somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on.

Second, I look for a sign nearby that says “On Sale.” Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.

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• that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
• that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
• that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.
• that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
• that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there

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The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

I like this one:

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

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A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on Earth did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

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• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
• Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeet.

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Two women were chatting and one asked the other,

"Mabel, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"

Mabel answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

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Source: T H E . M O U T H P I E C E Thursday, December 12th, 2002

George W. Bush

I don't think I should have to answer that question.

Al Gore

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

Ralph Nader

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Pat Buchanan

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Rush Limbaugh

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

Martha Stewart

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Jerry Falwell

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

Dr. Seuss

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway

To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

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You Might be an Engineer If...

• Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
• The salespeople at Radio Shack can't answer any of your questions. [You ask them questions?!?]
• You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
• You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. [What about a whole box full?]
• You know what http:// stands for.
• You see a good design and still have to change it. [This is called "tweaking" or "creeping featurism".]
• You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. [Not true Honey!]
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it. [Nope. I haven't used one in years. My first year of the class of 7T7 at UofT was the last year calculators weren't allowed!]
• You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory. [Never liked pocket protectors — that was the generation before mine: back when white shirts and ties were the norm.]
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
• Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. [And her eyes glaze over when you try and explain.]
• You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio. [It's called the I-can-fix-this-syndrome. And what about that overflowing box full of stuff you're going to fix sometime? Instead of buying a new printer, I fixed my (10 year old?) LaserJet IIIP by going on-line and buying the part and video on CD repair instructions.]
• You've already calculated how much you make per second. [That sounds more like a physicist or mathematician to me.]

Source: The Mouth Piece. [Comments are mine, of course.]

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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothing all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"

There was a little girl, who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good, she was very, very good
But when she was bad,
She got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle
All over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgey Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

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1. Aquadextrous (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. Carperpetuation (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. Disconfect (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. Elbonics (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. Peppier (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. Pupkus (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Source: lockergnome newsletter
Forwarded by Wayne Clark

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• Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
• No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
• When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
• If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
• Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
• You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
• Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
• Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
• Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
• Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
• School lunches stick to the wall.
• You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
• Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. No matter how cute the underwear is.

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All teachers have probably experienced a child with great story telling abilities. Check this one!

Show and Tell Birth Stories by Irene Zutell (a grade school teacher)

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for,like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. "My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder — just in case another Erica comes along.

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1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (SUnset 9-4667)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

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How to impress a woman

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man

Show up naked,
Bring beer.

Source: Funny Mail

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1. Marketing: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. Sales: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree". You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. Technology: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. Engineering: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome".
5. Accounting: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. Oh, and usually the first to be incarcerated.
6. Human Resources: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7. Management/Middle Management: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. Senior Management: See above - Same sign, different title.
9. Customer Service: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. Consultant: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. Recruiter, "Headhunter": As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. Partner, President, CEO: You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

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Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

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When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

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A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes.

The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, what do you think about we play for a $5 a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms.

Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the parish priest at the local Catholic Church. The second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the priest back his money.

The priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you'll bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

Source: Randy Cassingham, author of THIS is TRUE and Publisher of HeroicStories. To subscribe to this list, e-mail RandysRandom-subscribe@topica.com

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A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.

"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again!"

"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.

"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"

Source: Joke A Day

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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone in the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove and table, often carrying just a single item. So I suggested, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

Another person asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready...and now I do it in about ten."

Source: Clean Laffs

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There are 10 types of people in the world:

those that understand binary, and those that don't.

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For all of you who are feeling a little bit out of step and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have been re-released with new lyrics to be more in tune with their original audience. Coming soon from K-Tel!

Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA: "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

Procol Harum : "A Whiter Shade of Grey"

The Beatles: "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Steely Dan: "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

Source: Randy's Random

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All of his feathers are combed to one side.

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I saw this first in rec.humor.funny; however, Google shows lots of sites have it; so I selected a few of my favourites.

• Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
• No one is listening until you fart.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. and ...
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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oakes@wcta.net (Charles & Peggy Oakes)
Source: rec.humor.funny

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

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The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

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Heard on CBC Radio One this morning during a piece on some local jazz festivals in Toronto this week:

What do you call a Jazz Drummer without a girlfriend?

...Homeless!

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Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."

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Marketing — You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

Sales — Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

Engineering — One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.

Accounting — The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

Management/Middle Management — Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

Senior Management — (See above. Same sign, different title)

Customer Service — Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service."

Partner, President, CEO — You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

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This joke sounds much better than it reads. Go ahead, tell it to someone.

The Pope was finishing his homily. He finished with the Latin phrase, "tutti hominis" — Blessed be mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They commented that the Pope blessed all mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his homily, the Pope concluded by saying, "tutti hominis et tutti feminus" — Blessed be mankind and womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless 'gay' people. The Pope said, 'Yes.'

The next day, he concluded his homily with "tutti hominis et tutti feminus et tutti fruity."

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

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This Washington Post article describes the problem of (North) Americans not reading the manuals that come with their expensive purchases, be it DVD players, digital cameras, cars, washing machines and so on. As an engineer, I usually find it a challenge to figure out how to operate an instrument without reading the manual first. (Though I do read it eventually; otherwise, I might miss out taking advantage of some of the features included in the cost.) But Mr and Mrs Average (North) American ignore the manual and phone the toll free number instead when they experience problems and miss out on many of the features of the product. Hence (And here's my chance to use the much maligned <blink> tag :-) the result is the now cliché flashing 12:00 on the VCR. Anyway this is all a lead in to a joke I saw today in the Clean Laffs email letter.

One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.

"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp."

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Source: FunnyMailer

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize — a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize — six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize — a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... what?

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

Source: Funny Mailer

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Source: Clean Laffs

1. I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:

   "Hi, how are you doing?"

   Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

   "Not bad."

   And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

   Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:

   "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

   Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

2. My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

   "That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"

   A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh..what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

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Hey, I like a corny joke as much as the next person.

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation
kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible
headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one,
there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining
of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering
from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about
it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing.
He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway
through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

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Having (mostly :-) memorized the Italian words to Aïda and even though I don't know what I am singing, at least there's no ambiguity on how to pronounce a given word.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.

Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger- sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the frig. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you about this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to- door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M. Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:

1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?

I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M. Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother. have a great day.

Source: Clean Laffs

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"Despite all these new-fangled inventions such as the Inter- net, TV, the telegraph, etc. - surveys show that newspapers remain the most trusted source of news for consumers in the coveted demographic of People Who Are Dead Or Older."

Dave Barry

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"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."

Jay Leno

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Note: most of these are unattributed, but all are purportedly from various politicians' campaigns, statements, etc.

Source: The Mouthpiece

• "I resent your insinuendoes."
• "No man is an Ireland."
• "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
• "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
• "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
• "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
• "Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
• "Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation."-- Marion Berry
• "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
• "To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility."
• "I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
• "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
• "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
• "Let's do this in one foul swoop."
• "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
• "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
• "I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
• "The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
• "I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
• "We have a permanent plan for the time being."
• "Family planning has many misconceptions."
• "The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
• "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
• "As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
• "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
• "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
• "In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."

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A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the historic Wailing Wall. Everyday when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, “You come every day to the Wall, sir, how long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?”

The old man replies, “I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians.”

The journalist is very impressed. “How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?” she asks.

The old man replies calmly, “Like I’m talking to a wall.”

Source: www.netfunny.com

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These are “reported” to be actual epitaphs on tombstones:

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Romance Mathematics

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Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica.
"Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your
grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown
flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it
knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the
dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

Source:
href="http://www.shagmail.com/sample/cleanlaffs.html">Clean Laffs Newsletter

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Here in North America we use little tiny spoons and forks when we
feed a baby.

What do they use in China?

Tooth picks?

Source:
Joke A Day e-mail

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a-b-a form: a musical convention long preferred by composers who can’t “C.”

adagio fromaggio: to play in a slow and cheesy manner.

a la regretto: tempo assigned to a performance by the conductor AFTER it is panned by the local music critics.

al capone: performing while standing on a neutered rooster.

al dente con tableau: in opera, chew the scenery.

allegro con brillo: the fastest way to wash pots and pans.

anDante: A musical composition that is Infernally slow.

Angus Dei: a divine, beefy tone.

antiphonal: referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall

a patella: unaccompanied knee-slapping.

appologgiatura: an ornament you regret after playing it.

approximatura: a series of notes played by a performer and not intended by the composer, especially when disguised with an air of “I meant to do that.”

approximento: a musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct pitch.

baffoon: baboon with bassoon.

barbie dolce: sweet but plastic.

bar line: what musicians form after a concert.

bass lure: a seductive refrain.

basso continuo: the act of game fishing after the legal season has ended.

basso profundo: an opera about deep sea fishing.

basso refundo: the sad but predictable consequence of the ill-fated “Three Basses” concert tour.

brake drum: The instrument most used to slow the tempo in an orchestra.

bull horn: a brass instrument that plays notes you wouldn’t believe.

cacophany: composition incorporating many people with chest colds.

carmina banana: a medieval musical plantain.

concerto con carne: a piece for single instrument played in a “chili” manner.

concerto grosso: a really BAD performance.

contrababoon: the simian assistant of a Latin American revolutionary organ grinder.

Coral Symphony: (see: Beethoven – Caribbean period).

cornetti trombosis: disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians are not careful exiting the stage.

crashendo: the increasing sense of aggravation felt by band members as those trumpet players keep dropping their mutes on the hard stage floor.

d.c. al capone: you betta go back to the beginning, capiche?

dill piccolo: a wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

diminderwindo: fading of daylight at dusk, as seen from indoors.

diminuendo: the process of quieting a rumor in the orchestra pit.

eardrum: a teeny, tiny tympani.

etude brute: an early form of Roman music performed with a rapid, sharp, repetitive beat.

fermantra: a note that is held over and over and over and…

fermatahorn: an Alpine wind instrument used for playing long notes.

fermoota: a rest of indefinite length and dubious value.

fiddler crabs: grumpy string players.

flute flies: gnat-like bugs that bother musicians playing out-of-doors.

fog horn: a brass instrument that plays when the conductor’s intentions are not clear.

fortississippi: with mighty, flowing strength.

frugalhorn: a sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

fruitti tutti: a chorus singing together in an exaggerated, overripe manner.

Gaul blatter: a French horn player.

good conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.

grace note: the I.O.U. you deposit in the church collection plate when you’re out of cash.

gregorian champ: monk who can hold a note the longest.

ground brass: when someone in the marching band drops a sousaphone.

ground hog: someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won’t let others play it.

Herbert von Carryon: a conductor who never rides in the cargo hold.

hyperportamento: a tone that soars, bends, strains until it pierces into another dimension and leaves, ever after, a porthole to heaven.

kvetchendo: gradually getting ANNOYINGLY louder.

maestrousseau: at the pace of a wedding march.

mallade: a romantic song that’s pretty awful

matterhorn: an intrument of cosmic influence designed to create something out of nothing.

molto bolto: head straight for the ending, but don’t make it seemed rushed.

mucho caffinato: play loudly enough to wake up those sleeping in the audience.

oeuferture: musical composition commissioned by the National Egg Marketing Council.

oraToro: a lawn mower may be substituted for the original instrumentation at this point.

opera buffa: musical stage production at a nudists' camp.

pastorale: beverage to drink in the country when listening to Beethoven with a member of the clergy.

phollyphonic: badly arranged harmonizations.

pianorama: instrument capable of broad, sweeping musical performances.

pipe smoker: an extremely virtuosic organist.

pizzacato: the act of removing anchovies from an Italian dish with short, quick motions and tossing them to a nearby awaiting feline friend.

Placebo Domingo: faux tenor.

pollyphonic: orchestra made up of lots of parrots

poochini: When singing, to be accompanied by your dog.

Pre-Classical Conservatism: school of thought which fostered the idea, “if it ain’t baroque, don’t fix it”

prelude: a cue, found in some of the earlier oratorios, instructing those singing the roles of the wicked to pray in an offensive or profane manner

presto chango: quickly going from a very fast to a very slow tempo

pseudo-dolce: Nutrasweet

(The) Rights of Strings: manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.

rooti tooti: use of a potato as a trumpet mute.

rubato: cross between rhubarb and a tomato.

schmaltzando: a sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band.

snacktus: Quiet, contemplative music played during the appetizer at Catholic wedding receptions

Sosaphone: a cylindrical wooden instrument used to play smash hits.

spinet: politician’s order .

spritzicato: plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).

status cymbal: an instrument to be played at inaugurations and socialite balls.

Tempe Arizona: a hot passage.

tempo tantrum: what a young orchestra is having when it’s not keeping time with the conductor.

timpani alley: a row of kettledrums. Term originated in New York City area.

tincanabulation: the annoying or irritating sounds made by an unmusical person using extremely cheap bells. From Poe’s “The Bells” and “tin cans”.

toiletto: the effect on the human voice of reverberation in small rooms with ceramic tiles.

trouble clef: any clef one can’t read, e.g., the alto clef for pianists.

vesuvioso: a gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.

woodwind: a noise in the game of golf, made by a club missing the ball on a tee shot.

Source: Bach Organ, Pipe Organ Web Ring

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O'Reilly's law of the kitchen:

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Lieberman's law:

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since
nobody listens.

Denniston's law:

Virtue is its own punishment.

Gold's law:

If the shoe fits, its ugly.

Conway's law:

In any organization, there will always be one
person who knows what is going on. This person should be
fired.

Finster's law:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Lynch's law:

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Muir's law:

When we try to separate anything out by itself,
we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

Glyme's formula for success:

The secret of success is
sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Mason's first law of synergism:

The one day you'd sell your
birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.

Hanlon's razor:

Never attribute to malice that which is
adequately explained by stupidity.

Handy guide to modern science:

If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.

If it stinks, it's chemistry.

If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Green's law of debate:

Anything is possible if you don't
know what you're talking about.

Stewart's law of retroaction:

It is easier to get forgive-
ness than permission.

First rule of history:

History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

Oliver's law of location:

No matter where you go, there
you are.

Harrison's postulate:

For every action, there is an equal
and opposite criticism.

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1. Legally drunk
2. Silent scream
3. American history
4. Living dead
5. Small crowd
6. Business ethics
7. Soft rock
8. Butt Head
9. Military Intelligence
10. Software documentation
11. New York culture
12. New classic
13. Sweet sorrow
14. Childproof
15. "Now, then ..."
16. Synthetic natural gas
17. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
20. Peace force
21. Extinct Life
22. Temporary tax increase
23. Computer jock
24. Plastic glasses
25. Terribly pleased
26. Computer security
27. Political science
28. Tight slacks
29. Definite maybe
30. Pretty ugly
31. Twelve-ounce pound cake
32. Diet ice cream
33. Working vacation
34. Exact estimate
35. Microsoft Works

Source: The Mouth Piece

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A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The
Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You
Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.

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Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4÷5 of the price.

What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4÷5 of the price, or $80.

What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set “M”. Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question:

What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:

How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?

There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Match in 2002:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120.

How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

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1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.