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“Discontinue use of towelettes on personal safety equipment if rash or skin irritation develops.”

Personal safety equipment has skin? This skin can be sensitive?

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Apparently the Caps Lock key is stuck. Why would a “senior staff” not proofread his message and use better grammar?

GOOD MORNING.

DONT BE OFFENDED IF I MAY HAVE DISTURBED YOUR DAILY ACTIVITIES.

MY NAME IS MR NOEL PANGA, I AM A BANKER, AND I WORK WITH THE AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK AS A SENIOR STAFF. I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU ON A BUSINESS TRANSACTION THAT WILL BE VERY BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US AT THE END OF THE TRANSACTION .

DURING OUR INVESTIGATION AND AUDITING IN THIS BANK, MY DEPARTMENT CAME ACROSS A VERY HUGE SUM OF MONEY BELONGING TO A DECEASED PERSON WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH AND THE FUND HAS BEEN DORMANT IN HIS ACCOUNT WITH THIS BANK WITHOUT ANY CLAIM OF THE FUND IN OUR CUSTODY EITHER FROM HIS FAMILY OR RELATION BEFORE OUR DISCOVERY TO THIS DEVELOPMENT.

THE SAID AMOUNT WAS U.S 18.4M (EIGHTEEN MILLION,FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS). AS IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW, I GOT YOUR IMPRESSIVE CONTACTS THROUGH INTERNET. MEANWHILE ALL THE WHOLE ARRANGEMENT TO PUT CLAIM OVER THIS FUND AS THE BONAFIDE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED, AND TRANSFER THIS MONEY TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT HAS BEEN PUT IN PLACE. THE DIRECTIVES AND NEEDED INFORMATION WILL BE RELAYED TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU INDICATE YOUR INTEREST AND WILLINGNESS TO ASSIST ME, AND ALSO BENEFIT YOUR SELF TO THIS GREAT BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY.

IN FACT I COULD HAVE DONE THIS DEAL ALONE BUT BECAUSE OF MY POSITION IN THIS COUNTRY AS A CIVIL SERVANT(A BANKER),WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO OPERATE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT AND WOULD EVENTUALLY RAISE AN EYE BROW ON MY SIDE DURING THE TIME OF TRANSFER BECAUSE I WORK IN THIS BANK. THIS IS THE ACTUAL REASON WHY IT WILL REQUIRE A SECOND PARTY OR FELLOW WHO WILL FORWARD CLAIMS AS THE NEXT OF KIN WITH AFFIDAVIT OF TRUST OF OATH TO THE BANK AND ALSO PRESENT A FOREIGN ACCOUNT WHERE HE WILL NEED THE MONEY TO BE RE-TRANSFERRED INTO ON HIS REQUEST AS IT MAY BE AFTER DUE VERIFICATION AND CLARIFICATION BY THE CORRESPONDENT BRANCH OF THE BANK WHERE THE WHOLE MONEY WILL BE REMITTED FROM TO YOUR OWN DESIGNATION BANK ACCOUNT.

I WILL NOT FAIL TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% RISK FREE.ON SMOOTH CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, YOU WILL BE ENTITLED TO 40% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS GRATIFICATION, WHILE 10% WILL BE SET ASIDE TO TAKE CARE OF EXPENSES THAT MAY ARISE DURING THE TIME OF TRANSFER AND ALSO TELEPHONE AND INTERNET BILLS, WHILE 50% WILL BE FOR ME. PLEASE, YOU HAVE BEEN ADVICED TO KEEP “TOP SECRET” AS I AM STILL IN SERVICE AND INTEND TO RETIRE FROM SERVICE AFTER WE CONCLUDE THIS DEAL WITH YOU.

I WILL BE MONITORING THE WHOLE SITUATION HERE IN THIS BANK UNTIL YOU CONFIRM THE MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT AND ASK ME TO COME DOWN TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR SUBSEQUENT SHARING OF THE FUND ACCORDING TO PERCENTAGES PREVIOUSLY INDICATED AND FURTHER INVESTMENT, EITHER IN YOUR COUNTRY OR ANY COUNTRY YOU ADVICE US TO INVEST IN. ALL OTHER NECESSARY VITAL NFORMATION WILL BE SENT TO YOU WHEN I HEAR FROM YOU.

IF THE TRANSACTION INTEREST YOU, GET BACK TO ME WITH YOUR PHONE NUMBER TO CALL YOU SO WE COULD PROCEED.

THANKS.

MR NOEL PANGA.

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In a spreadsheet the company is sending out with a proposal is a list of our names and categories. It seems that I have “Considerable Expertise” in the “General” category. I think I’ll use this for my post-retirement business card:

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Daylight Saving Time adjustment falls (or springs forward) on April 1st this year. Co-incidence?!?!

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Spammers please note, this is not a good subject line: Please read.

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After reading about this word I found I could use my two hands, my finger and thumb joints and tips and count up to 40!

nychthemeron (nik-THEM-er-on) noun

  A full period of a day and night: 24 hours.

[From Greek, a combination of nykt- (night) and hemera (day).]

  Ever wondered why day and night were divided into 12 hours? The number
  12 is not as random as it sounds. There are 12 moons in a year. The
  number 12 is easy to divide into halves, thirds, and quarters. Also,
  some cultures counted in base 12: three joints on each finger (thumb
  as the counter).

  Aren't we glad a nychthemeron isn't divided in metric? Who wants to
  sleep 30 hours every night?

-Anu Garg (gargATwordsmith.org)

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Questions:

1. What is a computer sock?
2. Do ladies want to be sliminized?
3. If I already have an embolism would I be interested in socks?

Dear Sir/Madam,

FIRST OF ALL,PLEASE KINDLY NOTE THIS E-MAIL IS SENT BY
OUR "ADVERTISING COMPANY" AND THE E-MAIL ADDRESS 
THEY USE IS NOT "REAL" ,THEREFORE,PLEASE CONTACT US
VIA "FAX"  OR "POST".DON'T DIRECTLY RESPONSE VIA " E-MAIL"
BECAUSE WE CAN'T RECEIVE YOUR E-MAIL.
IF YOU WANT TO BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST,PLEASE ADVISE
YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS & THIS E-MAIL CONTENT OR SUBJECT VIA "FAX" OR "POST".

We are the professional manufacturer in Taiwan & China of 

* Socks(especially computer socks)
* Stockings
* Fishnet & Fencenet stockings & pantyhoses(tights)
* Compression hosiery(medical grade for varicose vein & embolism) 
* Flight socks(wearing for long-distance travel on the airplane to avoid 
embolism &
  decrease fatigue)
* FIR(Far Infrared Ray)products such as
   ankle/knee/wrist/elbow supports to prevent from injury and
   decrease pain and
   ladies' shaping girdle to sliminize the belly to obtain a beatiful
   style.
* Custom(Tailor)-Made(make according to your design/sample)
   ladies' lingerie/underwear.
   Men's & children underwear are also available for custom-made.
* Cutom(Tailor)-Made apparel/garment
* Cutsom(Tailor)-Made ANY textile product.

YOUR LABEL/BRAND IS WELCOME AND 
SMALL ORDER IS OK,PLEASE CONTACT US TO SAVE YOUR COST!

Thank you

Best Regards
Cherng
No.418,Ming-Sern Rd.,Sher-Tou(511),Changhwa Hsien,Taiwan.
Fax: 886-4-8875866 (886 is the country code)


Fax:886-4-8876126 (886 is the country code)

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The World’s Shortest Fairy Tale
sscherme(at)adelphia.net (Skid/Jos)
W1TTY/W1UVN
(chuckle, sexual stereotypes, forwarded, heard it)

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “NO!”

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

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• A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• A free agent is anything but.
• As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
• Exceptions always outnumber rules.
• Exceptions prove the rule and wreck the budget.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
• If it says “one size fits all,” it doesn’t fit anyone.
• If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
• If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
• Interchangeable parts won’t.
• Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
• Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
• Never ask the barber if you need a haircut, or a salesman if his is a good price.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
• No matter which way you go, it’s uphill and against the wind.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
• People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
• Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
• Quality assurance doesn’t.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
• The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
• The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
• The ideal resumé will turn up one day after the position is filled.
• The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
• The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
• The one item you want is never the one on sale.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
• The tough part of a [IT] Manager’s job is that users don’t really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don’t want.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Trust everybody…then cut the cards.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• When reviewing your notes for a test [report], the most important ones will be illegible.
• When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
• When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all the other coins will roll out of sight.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• You never want the one you can afford.

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I saw this at the bottom of an email today: If you cannot see this email click here.

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In a recent flyer of a company know for schlocky electronic gadgets is advertised a 3.6“ portable DVD player. The funny part is the 32 key remote. I don’t think my eyes would adequate to get far enough away from it to use that remote! This feature is right up there with the eject button on the remote for the CD player on my ”shelf system.“

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Dave Coverly captures the humour in some “what if” scenarios:

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A moldy, oldy that re-surfaced in an email list recently.

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

“I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara,” exclaimed the Muslim. “Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory.”

“One day while fishing,” started the Christian, “I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him.”

“One day I was walking down the road,” explained the Jew. “I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 feet all around me, it was Tuesday!”

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One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, “I have a question.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Mom, when you’re driving,” she asked, “are you ever the idiot?”

Borrowed from Clean Laffs.

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When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

Make him bark!

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“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the ‘Net and he won’t bother you for weeks. ”

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Inscribed on a bottle of shampoo in my bathroom: “MADE IN USA OF MAINLY US INGREDIENTS.”

Which ones? I don’t know because the “ingredients” aren’t listed.

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Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily Pinot Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new hybrid grape, which acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.

From Clean Laffs email

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A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

Borrowed from Clean Laffs email.

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“That would be allegro with an Italian soft drink” — comment from our music director this morning.

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My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having a old-fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”

The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”

Found in Clean Laffs email.

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Amnesia?

What did you just ask me?

Apathy?

I don’t care.

Bigotry?

I’m not going to tell someone like you.

Egotistical?

I’m the best person to answer that question.

Evasive?

Go do your homework.

Flatulent?

That question really stinks!

Ignorance?

I don’t know.

Indifference?

It doesn’t matter.

Influenza?

You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insomnia?

I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Irreverent?

I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Narcissism?

Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great?

Over-Protective?

I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer.

Paranoid?

You probably think I don’t know the answer, do you?

Procrastination?

I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive?

I already told you the answer once before.

Self-Centered?

Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters.

Suspicious?

Why are you asking me all these questions?

From T H E . M O U T H P I E C E Wednesday, August 11, 2004

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From the ahhh-ain’t-that-cute department.

• How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child and all of the above simultaneously.
• Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
• How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
• Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.
• That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.
• That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
• How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
• Almost every Raffi/Sharon, Lois and Bram/… lyric ever penned.
• That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.
• That reverse psychology really works.
• The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.
• Why they call them Happy meals.
• How far you can dilute juice and still retain it’s taste.
• The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines.
• How much you could love one human being!

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I selected these reasons from the August 26, 2004 email of T H E . M O U T H P I E C E which, in turn, had excerpted them from the Washington Post. I’ve taken the liberty of “Canadianizing” some of the references.

• My stigmata’s acting up.
• When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
• I’m feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You sure I should come in?
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Blue Jays, eh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Bell, but thank you for calling.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come in to work knowing that my employee records may now contain false information.

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“Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you’re at a big, high-class casino.

“At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.”

Source: Clean Laffs

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What if the Hokey Pokey is what it’s all about?

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The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

1. What are you thinking about?

   The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

   This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

   1. Baseball.
   2. Football.
   3. How fat you are.
   4. How much prettier she is than you.
   5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

   (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

2. Do you love me?

   The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

   Inappropriate responses include:

   1. Oh Yeah, loads.
   2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
   3. That depends on what you mean by love.
   4. Does it matter?
   5. Who, me?

3. Do I look fat?

   The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

   Among the incorrect answers are:

   1. Compared to what?
   2. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
   3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
   4. I’ve seen fatter.
   5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

4. Do you think she’s prettier than me?

   Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”

   Incorrect responses include:

   1. Yes, but you have a better personality.
   2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
   3. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
   4. Define pretty..
   5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

5. What would you do if I died?

   A definite no-win question.

   (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a …!”)

“Borrowed” from CLEAN LAFFS - Friday, June 11, 2004 email.

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The teacher gave her sixth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg -laying hens. Once we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying, broke and made a mess.”

“What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Krystal raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got 10 live chicks. So the moral to this story is, ‘don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.’”

Then Justin had a story to share. “My dad told me about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Iraq War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

“She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of 'em with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.”

“My God,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your father give you from that horrible story?”

Said Justin, “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

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I couldn’t help noticing that the teller, sorry — member services officer, at the local credit union branch had a paper clip fastening her collar together. Usually this attactive young women wears tops which show (off?) some cleavage. I guess today her boss figured too much of her lungs were showing. I really wanted to comment, “nice paperclip” but I resisted. I’ll have to talk to her boss and ask him/her to give me a call so I can come down and give my considered judgement about excessive cleavage being shown.

Now you know why I rarely use the ATM.

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Borrowed from rec.humor.funny…

‘I’ve started reading a popular book on punctuation and the abysmal state of its use, given to me by a friend of mine, “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” by Lynne Truss. Encouraged by her book, people sent her examples of idiotic punctuation. One–sent in by a Shakespearian actor–was a sign that said, “Children Drive Slowly.” The resulting brouhaha prompted the town to revise the sign.

‘It now reads, “Children, Drive Slowly.”’

If you don’t know what’s so funny here then I suggest you get someone to edit and proof-read your writing. )

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Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

“I’m just an ordinary man,” he said, walking up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic, atheist insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

Seen in Clean Laffs email.

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A pompous preacher was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to Toronto. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I didn’t know we had a choice.”

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Buddy sent me Mapquest directions from Barnesville, OH to Home, PA. Some questions:

1. Who is Buddy?
2. If he lives in Home, PA, where is that?
3. If I know him, where are the directions from Mississauga, ON, CA?
4. Does Buddy know how to copy 'n' paste an email address?

If you know Buddy’s friend (customer, client?) in Barnesville, OH send him these directions.

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“The 99 Cent stores were running an ad for a box of condoms for 99 cents. Do you know what you call men who buy condoms for 99 cents? … Daddy.”

Jay Leno

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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.

“Well,” she says, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, “Was that one word or two?”

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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”

I said, “You’ll be sorry.”

He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”

I said, “Well, It’s not very absorbant and you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

From CLEAN LAFFS - Thursday, February 12, 2004

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This came in my inbox the other day. I think it went through a garble or Gollum filter before it was emailed. Perhaps including this person’s address in this posting will allow me to return the favour.

From: Online-Citibank <pvangool@elturista.com>
X-Mailer: The Bat! (v2.00.6) Personal
To: me
Subject: Citionline _E-MAIL_ Veerification

Dear_ CITI_bank Mebmers,

Thiss email_ was _sent_ by_the_ Citibank_ serevr to
veerify your_ EMAIL adress.
You must coltpmee this pceross by clicking on_the link
below and enteering in the litle _window your Citi_Bank
_Debit card nummber and CARD PIN that _you use in local ATM Machine.
This is done for Your pcrtoetion -F- because some of_our
memmbers no legonr have acescs to their email adsrdsees
and we must verify it.

http://citi.net:%68%46%47%54%41%52%59%41%74%4d8@%67%66%62458%66%77%64%2e%44%41%
2e%52%75/%3f%50%6f%54%6e6%70

To veerify your_ email adress and _access_ _your_ Citi-bank
account, klick on the_ link _bellow_.

ckYvAt

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How do you decide whom to marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8

What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
Both don’t want any more kids. — Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8

When is it okay to kiss someone?
When they’re rich. — Pam, age 7

Is it better to be single or married?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. — Anita, age 9

How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? — Kelvin, age 8

How would you make a marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. — Ricky, age 10

From t h e . m o u t h p i e c e Monday, January 26, 2004

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Forget the Drugs & Pills… Losing Weight Has Never Been
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These paragraphs made me laugh. Source: 2003: A Dave odyssey

Can young people wear their pants any lower? Their waistbands are now at approximately knee level. Where will this trend end? The shins? The feet? Will young people eventually detach themselves from their pants altogether and just drag them along behind, connected to their ankles by a belt?

Late in the month, a massive “Storm of the Century” blizzard batters the Northeast with icy blasts and holds the region in its wintry grip, blanketing New England with white stuff as emergency crews struggle to keep the news media supplied with weather clichés.

In an inspiring story of courage, hiker Aron Ralston, trapped in a remote Utah canyon, frees himself by amputating his own right arm. Somehow he manages to fashion a tourniquet and hike back to civilization, where he is slapped with a $17 million negligence lawsuit by lawyers representing the arm.

In yet another sign of declining national educational standards, a 12-year-old Vermont girl wins the National Spelling Bee in Washington by spelling “horse.” She actually spells it “h-o-r-s,” but the judges rule that this is “close enough.”

On the literary front, the blockbuster bestseller of the year is the long-awaited fifth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter Reaches Puberty and Starts Taking Really Long Showers.

In a medical breakthrough, a Houston-based team of surgeons, working for 17 hours in a risky, first-of-its-kind operation, are able to separate a 21-year-old woman from her cellular telephone. She expires within hours, but doctors report that the phone is stable, and they expect its condition to improve dramatically “once it finds a new host.”

In immigration news, federal agents in 21 states descend on Wal-Mart stores that are allegedly employing illegal immigrants. The agents emerge hours later, glassy-eyed, holding bags filled with hundreds of dollars worth of bargains but unable to remember what they went in there for in the first place.

Ever notice how Dave Barry resembles Mike Myers?

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From The FunnyMailer.

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To the tune of Winter Wonderland…

All my movements have cancelled,
Sum of forces is equal,
I’m fully inert, and doing no work,
Here in static equilibrium.

Every push meets another,
Every pull has a counter.
The state I allude is true lassitude,
Here in static equilibrium.

All my forces balance out exactly,
You can even put me to the test.
Push me out in any old direction,
And you’ll find I’ll no longer be at rest.

Can’t you see that I’m happy?
Sitting here, calm and mellow.
Don’t want to go home, so leave me alone.
Here in static equilibrium.

From Clean Laffs email.

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From T H E . M O U T H P I E C E Tuesday, December 9, 2003. Hmmm, it looks like I’m older than dirt.

Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told about!

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party Telepnone Lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 4 - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps [I remember Loblaws in Canada had these.]
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards and Hudsons
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

And you are…

• 0-5 = young
• 6-10 = getting older
• 11-15 = Don’t tell your age, Darling…
• 16-25 = older than dirt!

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A Scotsman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

And, as they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Scotsman.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Scotsman took his arm from around the sheep. They continued to enjoy the sunset together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Scotsman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Scotsman started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…

“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while hey had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account in her name.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked all last week with a crew building a house.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that’s worth shit.”

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Sometimes spam is just too funny. BTW, this is cow colostrum they’re talking about. I just had to [comment].

Dear Friend,

Do you suffer from ANY of these signs of Aging?

- Wrinkles, Fine Lines
- Poor Memory
- Lack of Enthusiasm [spam does that to you…]
- Sagging Skin
- Diminished Eyesight
- Failing Sexual Performance [not that I can tell]
- Joint Problems
- Frequent colds and minor infections
- Low Energy
- Skin Problems
- Weight Problems
- Sleep Difficulties
- High or Low Blood Pressure
- Lack of Muscle Tone
- Hormone Imbalances

Then it’s time to take a look at COLOSTRUM

You know you’re on to something good when even the normally cautious scientists and doctors start getting excited about their research.

That’s just what is happening now.

All over the world the medical and scientific communities are buzzing with the news that nature’s first and most natural food, Colostrum, is teeming with nutritious substances and compounds that are critical allies in our fight against the myriad of health factors that cause our bodies to age.

The interesting thing is, the benefits of Colostrum have been known for almost as long as it’s been around. Its' incredible health benefits were first described by Ayurvedic [?] doctors and spiritual leaders in India many thousands of years ago. It’s long been known in other parts of the world too, where it’s been used for centuries for everything from immune deficiency and age-related symptoms to treatment of the common cold.

Now, with several volumes [!] of medical research to back up its many health claims, Mother Nature’s first and most important immunity food is universally being hailed as a near-miraculous natural aid to warding off ill health and old age.

And there’s still more…[Do tell!]

Here’s where the Colostrum story starts to get really interesting…

Up until recently, the benefits of Colostrum were only available to those who could afford the expensive synthesized Growth Factors that certain pharmaceutical companies were manufacturing and selling in limited supplies for between $500 and $1,500 per month!

But as of today, you no longer have to pay the earth shattering prices for only half the benefits of Colostrum. After years of development, the scientific team working for Crown Vitamin Company has created CVC Immune System Booster. Unlike all other brands of colostrums currently on the market, this unique formulation combines the very purest Bovine [moo!] Colostrum with Vitamin C for added strength and antioxidant capacity in patented quick melt `lozenge' style tablets for faster absorption into your bloodstream [Do you paste them to your forehead? Slit your wrists?] without any loss of potency, and with more immediate benefits.

Better yet, since your body can handle any amount of Colostrum safely, there’s no risk of overdosing. Which is just as well, since CVC Immune System Booster tastes so good, everybody in the family — even the kids [and new born babies!] — will love it!

Best of all, there are absolutely no side-effects [No effects at all really except for a declining bank balance.] apart, that is, from an increasingly joyous, progressive feeling of better health, enhanced energy, greater strength, improved skin and muscle tone, and a growing j’oie de vivre that will remind you that, finally, the joys of youth are no longer the exclusive preserve of the young!

And since there’s nothing so convincing as personal experience, to celebrate the launch of new CVC Immune System Booster, we’re offering you a one month supply (worth $29.95). All you need to pay is $9.95 to cover postage and handling…

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A mother was showing her boy how to zip up his coat. “The secret,” she said, “is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”

The boy looked at her quizzically… “Why does it have to be a secret?”

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This is so bad pun-wise I just have to post it. I saw it in a recent Clean Laffs email.

All but two of the ballerinas were in costume early for the matinee performance. At 1:55 the distressed director asked this pair of women why they were not yet in costume. The first one said, “it may seem like a silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58.”

“What about you, the same thing?” he asked the other dancer.

She replied, “Oh yes, I have a two to two tutu, too!”

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Sure it’s a dumb joke, but, it made me chuckle. It came from the Clean Laffs email.

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like two pounds of Polish sausage, please.”

The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”

The clerk says sheepishly, “Well, no.”

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, all right then! Why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replies, “Because this is a dry cleaners.”

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A man walks into a dentist’s office and says, “Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist says, “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.”

The man replies, “Yes, I know.” The dentist snaps back, “So why did you come in here?”

The man responds, “The light was on.”

Seen in the Dribbleglass email letter.

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1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
2. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
3. For ski boots simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your street shoes and tighten C-clamps around your toes.
4. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
5. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
7. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.
8. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You’d almost believe you’re skiing in front of a snowmaker!
9. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
10. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

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A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah…..”said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.''

“That’s what you think'', the man laughed. I’m the father of three children.''

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what you think!''

Seen in Clean Laffs email.

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“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,” said the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.''

“Great! What are we having for breakfast?”said the husband.

“Toast and juice.''

From CLEAN LAFFS email letter.

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The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given to 16-year-old students! Don’t laugh too hard - one of them could be (is?) president someday.

Name the four seasons.

Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

How is dew formed?

The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

What is a planet?

A body of earth surrounded by sky.

What causes the tides in the oceans?

The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

In a democratic society, how important are elections?

Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

What are steroids?

Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

What happens to your body as you age?

When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

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“Everything is going up. The price of food, clothing, everything, I wish something would go down.''
“Take a look at my report card.''

“How far are you from the correct answer?''
“Two seats''

“Your essay, 'My Dog,' is the same, word for word, as your brother’s''
“I know. It’s the same dog.''

“Why are you late this morning?''
“Because of the alarm clock. Everyone got up except me.''
“How was that?''
“There are eight of us and the alarm was set for seven.''

“Can people predict the future with cards?''
“My mother can.''
“Really?''
“Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.''

“In what battle did General Wolfe cry, 'I die happy'''
“His last?''

“What marks did you get in P.E. last year?''
“I didn’t get marks. I only got bruises.''

“If I cut a steak into two parts, what would I have?”“Halves.''
“Right. And then cut them in half again?''
Quarters..''
“And again?''
“Eighths.''
“Again?''
“Sixteenths.''
“And again?''
“Hamburger.”

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• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• If at first you don’t succeed—try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• Pride, commitment, teamwork—words we use to get you to work for free.
• There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.
• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

Seen on funny mail list.

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How apropos. The woman at the wine store where I bottled my batch last night said some customers put their wine in half size (375 ml?) bottles just so they can bring one to go with their lunch. I wonder, would it make me more productive in the afternoon or would I be caught napping?

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

From T H E . M O U T H P I E C E Friday, June 13, 2003 email.

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On their 30th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no “I”in ‘marriage.’”

The wife said, “And for my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.''

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“Borrowed”from rec.humor.funny.

This is a real LETTER TO THE EDITOR from a recent issue of the NEW SCIENTIST magazine:

``NEW SCIENTIST readers are concerned about their e-mail boxes being bombarded with spam, and the need for more and better filters. However, they seem to have overlooked the benefits to be gained from all these spam messages. For instance, I have been accepting all offers made to me by e-mail since the beginning of this year, and my penis is now 43 meters long.''

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1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder now days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
5. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
6. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
7. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? [How true.]
8. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
9. In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Seen on Completely Free Software email.

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Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result — all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

From Clean Laffs (and lots of other places).

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I listened to CBC Radio One while driving to the library this evening. They had a couple of points of view of people who, when they are house guests, snoop in their hosts' medicine cabinets. Weird eh? Anyway one woman told about a friend who did this at parties and then make comments. Such as does someone in your house have allergies because I found antihistamines in you bathroom cupboard or did you know your aspirins are stale-dated? She had enough of her friend’s snooping so she and her husband borrowed their kid’s marbles and carefully put them on the medicine cabinet shelves. Then they had a party with the snoop and some of their other friends who weren’t too keen on her habits either. They put a sign on the main floor powder room that it was out of order. Part way into the evening the woman got up and went upstairs: the hosts and guests became quiet. After about five minutes, there was a huge racket of marbles falling on the vanity counter top, the toilet, everywhere. The snoop exited the party as quickly as she could amongst the laughter of the other guests.

The Saturday Star had an unusual consumer complaint: A couple ordered a stove from the store and a week later a fridge was delivered. The order was “computer friendly”— just a bunch of letters and digits. The sales person obviously had punched in the wrong code but it was going to be “difficult”to resolve as there was no “people friendly”description of what had been ordered.

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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the “f” word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

An oldie I saw in the Dribbleglass e-newsletter. My wife’s mother turned 80 last year and though, I don’t think she’d say the “f”word, I have heard her utter the odd cuss word now and then.

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From the cartoon Frazz

Portly Principal: Can you recommend an exercise for people who don’t have time to exercise?

Frazz: Sure:

1. Lift up your TV set.
2. Carry it to the curb.
3. Set it down.

Principal: … Which TV?

Frazz: Okay some people might need to do multiple reps.

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Here’s one from netfunny.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,“ she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.''

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Recently I overheard two co-workers, the first of which was training the other one.

• Co-Worker #1: “A boolean variable has two possible values: true or false.''
• Co-Worker #2: “Umm…true?''

From Computer Stupidities

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1. If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the “on” switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes does help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

T H E . M O U T H P I E C E Friday, April 4, 2003

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My brother seems to have more time on his hands than I do. But his joke within a joke for this April Fool’s Day, 2003 is kind of cute. I changed the names just because.

Dear Friends and Family: April 2nd, 2003

In the way of wishing you all well, and giving you a smile to boot, let me tell you about the fun we had yesterday, April Fools Day 2003.

I did my usual, expected, and much appreciated, morning rigging of the house for the girls. Things falling out of cupboards, toilet paper strung over the living room, things out of place, and so on. But the best joke of the day had innocuous beginnings a couple of days earlier. On our happenings of the month calendar, posted on a kitchen cupboard, I noted that Aunt Barb (Olivia’s sister and a much loved guest) was due to arrive for a visit from Toronto on April 1st.

My girls were not about to believe that. But Nadine took up the challenge and suggested to Olivia that she call Barb and have Barb call me to confirm her arrival. So, when I got home from work on Tuesday, April 1st, there was a message from Barb on the answering machine saying she was arriving and could she be picked up at the airport that evening.

Only for the briefest moment did I have a wisp of doubt about the bogus nature of this message. After all, it was I who had started the joke. Still, Rebecca was privy to this development and I decided, in consultation with Olivia, to play along. In Rebecca’s presence I told Olivia about my plan to head out to the airport that evening at 8:20 to pick up Barb. Rebecca was, just barely, biting. She looked incredulous. Is Dad really falling for this?

Nadine was still at work at the BC legislature (as a page) and was going on to her friend Ally’s place from there. I had earlier in the day told Nadine that I would pick her up at 8:30. Leaving at 8:20 was perfect for picking up Nadine, and off I went at that appointed time, supposedly for the airport.

Olivia reports that my absence was a highly charged time, especially for Alexandra. She felt terribly guilty about my having to drive all the way out to the airport for nothing. Maybe they had gone too far with this gag. Olivia reminded Alexandra about pranks I had pulled on them in the past, and ‘doesn’t he deserve some revenge?’

When I arrived at Ally’s place, and after waiting a suitable amount of time for my pretended trip to the airport, I phoned home to complain to Olivia that there was no sign of Barb anywhere at the airport. Olivia put a delighted Rebecca on the phone and she whooped “April Fools!”at me over the phone. By this time Alexandra, drawn into the gag but never having fully believed any of it, was on the other phone. To both Rebecca and Alexandra I complained bitterly about having driven all the way to the airport for nothing and, ‘boy, you really got me this time.’

Olivia, witnessing from the home end, said this was a priceless moment. Simultaneously Rebecca and Alexandra’s jaws dropped. They had actually pulled off a major joke on their wily Dad!

Clearly, Nadine, whose friend’s house I was at for the airport call, was on my side of the joke now. As we drove home Nadine suggested I drop her near the house but not where the car would be seen. She would explain that she had got tired of waiting for me to pick her up and that her friend’s Mom had dropped her off. This would corroborate that I had indeed gone to the airport.

After a short delay to allow for Nadine’s entrance, I pulled in in the car. I walked into the kitchen where the family was assembled, anticipating the final revealing of just who had fooled who. Rebecca said something about my airport trip and how they had really fooled me. I said that it remained to be seen who the real fool was.

Then the final twist came out. You see, I am not too familiar with cell phones. After I had truly hooked Rebecca and Alexandra into believing that I had gone to the airport (Alexandra had said, in amazement, “Are you really at the airport'') I disconnected the phone. But I pushed the wrong button. While R and A were standing with dropped jaws, and after I thought I had hung up the phone, Nadine’s friend Ally yelped in the background about how convincing I had been and “you sure fooled them.” Alexandra described how they had heard Ally’s yelp and had had their own chortle at me after the phone was finally hung up. Alas, the last laugh was on me.

Love, Todd, Olivia, Alexandra, Nadine, and Rebecca.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a “silent”debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay. Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.”

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “What happened?”they asked.

“Well,”said Moishe, “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, Mr Pope, we’re staying right here.”

“And then what,”asked a woman.

“Who knows?”said Moishe, “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.''

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When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection.

First, the word “Wine”must appear somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on.

Second, I look for a sign nearby that says “On Sale.” Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.

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• that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
• that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
• that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.
• that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
• that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there