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or “I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.”

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“Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything.”

Floyd Dell

I’ll keep this in mind when I retire next year.

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Seen in a comment about a some software article, “I really love you, you know, plutonic love…”

I think this is the kind of love exhibited by Mickey Mouse’s dog.

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From New Scientist:

'THANKS to Holger Hollmark, who writes to tell us that he spotted this intriguingly recursive statement in an article about gender in the Swedish publication Folkvett: “The argument that there exists a difference between the sexes is a typical male view.”'

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Thanks to word.a.day I now know what (or should I say who) a best boy is.

From: Wordsmith 
To: linguaphile@wordsmith.org
Subject: A.Word.A.Day--best boy
best boy (best boi) noun

  The first assistant to the gaffer (head electrician) of a film crew.

[Apparently borrowed from the sailing terminology.]

 "Cast and director commentaries are one thing, but do we really need one
  from the post-production team, as we've seen on the extended edition of
  The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King? What's next? 'Reflections
  from the Key Grip and Best Boy?'"
  Mike Snider and Thomas K. Arnold; Press 'Repeat' or 'Skip'; USA Today
  (Washington DC); Dec 28, 2004.

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“This week’s action item: Clean out your keyboard. See if you can identify all the substances you find!”

From The cranky user: Hardware and usability, Part 2 by Peter Seebach

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“Give a woman an inch and she thinks she’s a ruler.”

Anonymous

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.”

Jack Handey

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Here’s the quote as copied and pasted from a humour email:

“There’s reports of price gouging going on for flu vaccine. It was $85 a vile^?, now its up to $900 a vile^?. So apparently Starbucks must be selling this stuff.”

Jay Leno

Now let’s compare definitions. I’ll let you choose the correct one.

vile

1. despicable, ugly, vile, unworthy – (morally reprehensible; “would do something as despicable as murder”; “ugly crimes”; “the vile development of slavery appalled them”)
2. filthy, foul, nasty, vile – (thoroughly unpleasant; “filthy (or foul or nasty or vile) weather we’re having”)
3. nauseating, nauseous, noisome, loathsome, offensive, sickening, vile – (causing or able to cause nausea; “a nauseating smell”; “nauseous offal”; “a sickening stench”)

vial

1. phial, vial, ampule, ampul, ampoule – (a small bottle that contains a drug (especially a sealed sterile container for injection by needle))

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“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

Thomas Edison

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“Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to [merge] his car onto a [highway].”

source unknown

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“Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.”

Ira Gassen

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Why do I ask myself rhetorical questions?

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The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can’t ignore it, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh at it; if you can’t laugh at it, it’s probably deserved.

Russell Lynes

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It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it’s just a game: Find the Eye.

Slashdot comment

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“Yesterday President Bush told Donald Rumsfeld that he was 'Doing a superb job.' I think the last time a president said that he was looking under his desk.”

Dave Letterman

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resistentialism

(ri-zis-TEN-shul-iz-um) noun

The theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile behavior against us. Now I don’t have to use the phrase “the perversity of inanimate objects.”

petrichor

(PET-ri-kuhr) noun

The pleasant smell that accompanies the first rain after a dry spell. I wonder what they call that “earthwormy” smell after a hard rain. If I had to guess at this word’s meaning I would probably have said it has something to do with fossilized pus deposits.

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“I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.”

A reply that a British women (may) have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father’s details.

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“The 99 Cent stores were running an ad for a box of condoms for 99 cents. Do you know what you call men who buy condoms for 99 cents? … Daddy.”

Jay Leno

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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

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These paragraphs made me laugh. Source: 2003: A Dave odyssey

Can young people wear their pants any lower? Their waistbands are now at approximately knee level. Where will this trend end? The shins? The feet? Will young people eventually detach themselves from their pants altogether and just drag them along behind, connected to their ankles by a belt?

Late in the month, a massive “Storm of the Century” blizzard batters the Northeast with icy blasts and holds the region in its wintry grip, blanketing New England with white stuff as emergency crews struggle to keep the news media supplied with weather clichés.

In an inspiring story of courage, hiker Aron Ralston, trapped in a remote Utah canyon, frees himself by amputating his own right arm. Somehow he manages to fashion a tourniquet and hike back to civilization, where he is slapped with a $17 million negligence lawsuit by lawyers representing the arm.

In yet another sign of declining national educational standards, a 12-year-old Vermont girl wins the National Spelling Bee in Washington by spelling “horse.” She actually spells it “h-o-r-s,” but the judges rule that this is “close enough.”

On the literary front, the blockbuster bestseller of the year is the long-awaited fifth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter Reaches Puberty and Starts Taking Really Long Showers.

In a medical breakthrough, a Houston-based team of surgeons, working for 17 hours in a risky, first-of-its-kind operation, are able to separate a 21-year-old woman from her cellular telephone. She expires within hours, but doctors report that the phone is stable, and they expect its condition to improve dramatically “once it finds a new host.”

In immigration news, federal agents in 21 states descend on Wal-Mart stores that are allegedly employing illegal immigrants. The agents emerge hours later, glassy-eyed, holding bags filled with hundreds of dollars worth of bargains but unable to remember what they went in there for in the first place.

Ever notice how Dave Barry resembles Mike Myers?

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When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”

Unknown

As seen in Clean Laffs email.

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“Sesame Street Workshop laid off sixty workers. News of the firings was brought to employees by the letters F and U.”

Jimmy Fallon

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Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them till they’re in their 40s.

Seen in Clean Laffs email. I’ll let you know in 20 years or so whether or not this is true. Or you can ask my Mom.

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“Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It’s going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.”

Jay Leno

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“I think we ought to go ahead and make ‘zillion’ a real number. ‘Gazillion’ too. A zillion could be ten million trillions, and a gazillion could be a trillion zillions. It seems to me it’s time to do this.”

George Carlin

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“Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.”

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A mission statement is defined as “a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.”All good companies have one.

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“How do you remove an awful smell out of your microwave? I found a dead starfish on the beach and brought it home. It was very wet and I thought placing it in the microwave for a few minutes would help. The starfish exploded on my second attempt to dry it.''

As seen in Dave Barry’s column quoting from the homemaker-advice column called Ask Mrs. Oliver from the June 4 Eugene, Ore., Register-Guard

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“A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.''

Barnett Cocks

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“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I.''

Bill Murray as Bob Wiley in “What About Bob?''.

As seen in the Clean Laffs newsletter — Tuesday, September 2, 2003

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“There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.''

Mary Wilson Little

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“You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.''

Olin Miller

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“Gravity cannot be held responsible for two people falling in love.''

Albert Einstein

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From A.Word.A.Day email newsletter.

retromingent (re-tro-MIN-jent) adjective

Urinating backwards.

noun

An animal that passes urine backwards, e.g. raccoon.

[From Latin retro- (back) + mingent, stem of mingens, past participle of mingere (to urinate).]

“When my turn came, I discovered that the bathrooms had been designed for a retromingent. The rest of the flight? Rather uneventful.''

Jeffrey Levine; The Concorde, Firsthand: Built for Speed, Not for Comfort; The Washington Post ; Dec 17, 1989.

“I can verify that camels are, indeed, retromingent.''

Sally Bixby Defty; Just Deserts Midnight at the Oasis Sing Your Camel to Bed; St. Louis Post-Dispatch; May 16, 1993.

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“The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: ‘Disregard previous email’). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons (Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg.''

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“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.''

James Branch Cabell

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“I’m learning to speak French by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.''

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"Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, 'You've got something hanging out of your nose.' Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy."

Michael Hayward

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How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

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"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry."

Kevin Krisciunas

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- - - - - - - - - -

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"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known."

Garrison Keillor

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"The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity — the rest is overhead for the operating system."

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"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

Robert Frost

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"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"

Rod Schmidt

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Well, I'm back from a "farm" vacation. I enjoyed not using the computer: drinking coffee in the morning, chatting with my wife, jogging the country roads, swatting flies, doing some physical labour for a change and, of course, riding the tractor cutting several acres of lawn.

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"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none."

Jay Leno

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This isn't my personal philosophy mind you. Nevertheless, I present another quote along the same lines: "If at first you don't succeed, don't try sky-diving.

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"Every year there are more product-liability awards, and every year manufacturers have to put more warnings in the owners' manuals, and every year the radish-brains come up with newer, more innovative ways to injure themselves. There will come a day when every product you buy will come with an actual living lawyer inside the box, sealed in plastic; as soon as you break the seal, the lawyer will emerge and start preparing your product-liability lawsuit. (This system is feasible because product-liability lawyers are spore-based organisms who can survive for years without air.)

Dave Barry

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I wish I were a jelly fish
That cannot fall downstairs:
Of all the things I wish to wish
I wish I were a jelly fish
That hasn't any cares,
And doesn't even have to wish
'I wish I were a jelly fish
That cannot fall downstairs.'

A triolet by G.K. Chesterton

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"No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar."

Donald Foster, admitting that his work to establish Shakespeare as the author of an obscure poem is wrong.

Source: New York Times article A Scholar Recants on His 'Shakespeare' Discovery

Do you ever wonder whether the stuff you do at work has any significance? I, for one, am glad the academic community is around so that they can discuss, nay argue, about who wrote an obscure 578 line poem called "A Funeral Elegy" dated Jan. 25, 1612. Now the good Professor Foster admits the evidence now seems to point to John Ford (1586-1640) rather than to Shakespeare as he previously hypothesized. I present this little factoid in the interest of promoting stimulating conversation at your next meeting or party!

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"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

Dave Barry

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When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not asking for your opinion. She is asking for her opinion, from your mouth.

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"If you breathe," warns an article in the May issue of Australian Good Health News, "you breathe in billions of oxygen molecules that can cause cancer, arthritis, degenerative diseases and premature ageing."

Best give it up, then.

Source: New Scientist

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"Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company."

Scott Adams

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"According to a study by the National Science Foundation, 70% of Americans do not understand science. Here's the real scary part: 30% don't even know what 70% means."

Jay Leno

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"Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards in emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch."

Dave James [from Clean Laffs]

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I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

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If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?

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"Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?"

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"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I
buy something."