Women’s

40-ish: 49

Adventurer: Slept with all of your friends

Athletic: No tits

Average looking: Face like a basset hound

Beautiful: Pathological liar

Contagious smile: Does a lot of Ecstasy

Educated: Banged her Political Science professor

Emotionally secure: Medicated

Feminist: Fat ball-buster

Free spirit: Junkie

Friendship first: Trying to live down her reputation as a slut

Fun: Annoying

Good listener: Borderline autistic

New-age: All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only, no blowjobs

Open-minded: Desperate

Outgoing: Loud and embarrassing

Passionate: Sloppy drunk

Professional: Certified bitch

Reubenesque: Grossly fat

Romantic: Looks best by dim candlelight

Social: Has been passed around like an hors d’oeuvres tray

Wants soulmate: Stalker

Young at heart: Older than dirt

Men’s

40-ish: 53 and looking for a 25-year-old

Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR

Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back

Educated: Will patronize the shit out of you

Free spirit: Banging your sister

Friendship first: As long as friendship includes blowjobs

Good looking: Arrogant

Very good looking: Dumb as a bag of hammers

Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack

Honest: Pathological liar

Huggable: Grossly fat with extensive body hair

Mature: Older than your father

Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your roommate

Poet: Wrote his ex-girlfriend’s phone number on the urinal

Sensitive: Cries at chick flicks

Very sensitive: Gay

Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once

Stable: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted

Thoughtful: Says “excuse me” when he farts